10 Weird, Outrageous News Stories You May Have Missed This Week
The Iowa Supreme Court recently affirmed the right for Iowans to be drunk on their front porch. Unfortunately, the court did not address grievances against out of tune renditions of Wagon Wheel.
By 
Lance Pauker
As always, take the “news” portion of the title with a grain of (morton iodized) salt:
1. After entering the wrong event in the World Series of Poker, a man proceeded to win the event anyway. Reports indicate the master of accidental success isn’t seeing the same results with his inside-out t-shirts.
2. Jurassic World, the highly anticipated commercial about Coca-Cola and Mercedes-Benz, shattered box office records with $524.1 million opening weekend. Studio big-wigs were overjoyed by the success, and the rare opportunity to authentically express their appreciation for the word synergy.
3. A Pennsylvania man accidentally left a turnpike plaza without claiming the prize from a winning lottery ticket — only to have another person claim the prize. The new prize-winner is now under a lifelong curse involving odd number sequences and the island from LOST.
4. Berkeley residents were treated to an interesting traffic jam as hundreds of goats were herded across a street. The Berkeley residents enjoyed the disruption until they found out that the goats are all pretty excited about Marco Rubio.
5. The Iowa Supreme Court recently affirmed the right for Iowans to be drunk on their front porch. Unfortunately, the court did not address grievances against out of tune renditions of Wagon Wheel.
6. A spelling error on a number of signs cost a Pennsylvania County $4,000 dollars in repairs — as well as a lifetime ban of ever replying to a facebook status with you’re**
7. An Arizona Coyotes fan got to use a stun gun on the Glendale, AZ mayor as part of a charity pledge. The Coyotes will be leaving Arizona following the recent termination of their lease, as they’ve outright refused the prospect of finding a Craigslist roommate.
8. An Australian group set a world record after sinking a basketball shot from 450 ft. away. The trick shot team said the stunt took about 4-5 hours, or approximately one Wikipedia wormhole.
9. A bridge in Pennsylvania has been closed due to swarms of Mayflys so thick, they’ve been causing car accidents. Mayfly swarms have been known to create blizzard-like conditions, so drivers are strongly advised to think the rules don’t apply to them until it’s too late.
10. Ohio police are on the lookout for seven rare pythons that were stolen from a pet rescue shelter. The police don’t have any suspects, but did stumble across some writing that chillingly states “enemies of the heir…beware.” 
