New York State Psychiatry and Canon Inc. Caught in Disturbing Malpractice Suit

New York City psychiatrist Peter Barrows (56) has been indicted in what appears to be the most invasive malpractice suit of the 21st century, one that some are calling a ‘cultural long con’.

In 2008, Canon Inc. CEO Fujio Mitarai and twenty New York City psychiatrists formed ‘Narcisma LLC’ and by 2015 profits topped eight figures. Warrant in hand, the Federal Trade Commission set up surveillance in Barrows office, catching him and Tiffany Martin (23) in the act. What you are about to hear might disturb you:

Martin: …and all Jessica does is take these slutty Instagrams in her paisley white yoga pants and she gets like 200 likes, and she always answers the phone like “SoHo Event Planning, this is Jessica,” and it’s annoying.

Barrows: Are you still enjoying your job?

Martin: I mean, PR has always been my passion but I’m still thinking about teaching as a fallback, but then I literally just signed a two-year lease and I promised my dad I wouldn’t break this one.

Barrows: Have you considered photography?

Martin: Of course…but I’m not, like, an artist…

Barrows: I think you are an artist, Tiffany. You have a keen eye for detail, look at how you describe things…‘white paisley yoga pants’…we tried gluten-free and social activism, and photography might another element to your blog.

Martin: Wow…you’re right. I guess I should give it a shot. (laughs) Oh my god, shot. Get it?

Barrows: I get it, quite funny. You know, this doesn’t surprise me because often the artistic types feel out of place in the world.

Martin: Yea, but I don’t know…

Barrows: …and according to our research, photography-based Instagrams get nearly three-times as many likes as someone like Jessica.

Martin: (gasps)

Barrows: This is a coupon for 20% off your purchase of a Canon EOS 7D…

This was hardly an isolated incident; thousands of young men and women have taken to the streets – cameras in hand – to protest against the New York State Psychiatry Association.

Martin has since appeared on CNN, MSNBC, FOX News, and Comedy Central after her hash-tag activists armed themselves with #WeAreTiffany tweets and took the internet by storm. While the intimate details of her therapy session have been exposed to the public, Martin is all smiles:

“Thank you to everyone supporting my photography through this tough time. As an artist, it means a lot. I couldn’t be happier to be a voice for all those other people wronged by Narcisma LLC.”

We caught up with Martin’s father Tuesday night at a TGI Fridays in Hartford, Connecticut. When asked to comment on his daughter’s involvement in the case, he said: “She didn’t break her fucking lease, did she?” With no further comment, he wrote the address of his wife’s house on a cocktail napkin and requested we redirect our efforts to: 15 Bitch Street, Whore Island, USA.

The money trail from Basic LLC did not lead to the psychiatrists themselves, but to a data collection center in Mumbai, India. Barrows spoke to the press immediately following the incident:

“Look, the profits simply went to furthering research, we were collecting metadata to try and help. Psychiatry is falling behind, there’s nothing in the DSM-V about ‘likes.’ We have an entire generation who grew up behind a computer and whose first sexual experience was on the Internet, if anything we hoped a…talentless art form like photography might give them something to call their own. It might redirect that narcissism and nihilism with some sense of purpose, something other than streaming videos. It might get them outside to see the world in all its beauty, like we did, not through a screen, but in real life! And maybe…maybe that’s better than giving them another pill.”

In lieu of Barrow’s statement, he’s lost his license to practice and Narcisma LLC will build its legal defense against #WeAreTiffany, Pfizer, GlaxoSmithKline and Martin’s mother.