The Quintessential Boyfriend Checklist, And Why I’ll Be Alone Forever

It’s 9pm. I pour a glass of the always classy boxed wine Franzia and drop my pants to the kitchen floor because, well, I can. Ah, sweet freedom! My Netflix is all queued up and ready to go, and I’m pretty sure I smell like the SexPanther cologne from Anchorman but what do I care? I’ve got no one to impress but my dog! (Who happens to be pretty into animalistic scents himself.)

I thought this sort of night was common for a girl my age. Then again, I also thought gum took 7 years to digest. It appears I was wrong on both counts.

As I wait for my serial killer doc to load I absentmindedly scroll through my newsfeed when I couldn’t help notice not one, not two, but THREE of my friends newly engaged. By friends I mean Facebook friends of course; I’d hope my real friends would know to warn me before giving me a mini heart attack.

*Grabs entire box of wine

IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME?!

Na, that can’t be it.

While I am incredibly happy for all you young lovebirds making life long commitments to each other, I just cannot accept the idea that marriage at 23 is becoming the norm. At this exact second there are 7,316,307,920 people in the world. And you’re tellin me your “soul mate” was your high school sweetheart?! Simply not fair.

Okay, I’m just bitter because those kinds of love stories are adorable and nobody would date me in high school.

Here’s what I think: You don’t really think about this stuff until you meet someone who makes you think about it. Who makes the wedding planning, and baby talk sound exciting and not really freaking scary.

And so, I have done what all experts in the love and dating field tell you not to do; make a checklist of what you want in a potential life long orgasm giver. (Should I come up with a slightly more endearing term?)

*chugs remainder of wine

Here goes.

1. Jake Gyllenhaal

That’s right, if you are not Jake Gyllenhaal I will not marry you. Emma Gyllenhaal. Actually that doesn’t sound right at all. Okay let’s make this one just “tall, dark, and handsome.”

2. SING TO ME PAOLO!

I want a guy who will serenade me when I’m mad at him. (For good reasons of course, girls don’t get mad for no reason, after all.) And I want a guy who knows I am quoting the Lizzie McGuire movie every time I yell “SING TO ME PAOLO” while he’s in the shower.

3. Water Beds

My soulmate will like water beds. I dont know why; why does anyone like water beds? I’m not even sure I like water beds, but I want one in my future house just because.

4. Mama’s Boy

He must be close with his mom. Like Norma and Norman Bates, only without all the weird sexual tension and murder.

5. He doesn’t mind being little spoon

Sometimes I enjoy sleeping on a guy’s chest, and sometimes I like my butt pressed up against his…ya know…but I just sleep best when I’m big spoon.

6. But being little spoon doesn’t undermine the fact he’s a MAN

I want a MAN’S MAN. Ya know, doin manly shit. Like mow the lawn shirtless, and operate heavy machinery.

7. LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX BABY

He’s gotta know to take things slow at first, and not expect anything. He should wait for me to make the first move. He should know when I am making said move. He has to make a big deal out of my average sized boobs. He has to be adventurous and open minded. And he must have a stripper pole installed in the bedroom for nights when I drink too much wine and believe I can dance on the pole without injuring myself. (Spoiler Alert- I can’t.)

8. He will be romantic

He will know that while I like handcuffs, I like flowers too.

9. He likes to read

I like to write, he likes to read. (Hopefully he likes to read what I write and it’ll be a home run.) Bonus points if he does it while wearing glasses.

10. We make each other happy

We genuinely enjoy being around each other and would never even consider divorce. Murder maybe, but never divorce.

Okay I think that’s it. See am I really that picky?! I think not. These aren’t all deal breakers, except for the water bed. I really want a water bed.