50 Signs You’re A Privileged Ivy League Asshole

1. You’re enrolled at or graduated from your Dad’s alma mater.

2. Actually, your Mom went there, too.

3. So did your siblings.

4. You genuinely believe we live in a meritocracy.

5. You dressed your cute little baby in a “Dartmouth 2037” onesie. No, seriously—stop. Everyone hates you.

6. “I went to school in Boston.” “In New Haven.” “In New Jersey.” Etc. Etc. Etc.

7. “Oh, SUNY New Paltz? Good for you!”

8. You once met someone who went to community college and were surprised they were intelligent.

9. “What’s an Associate’s Degree?”

10. You wear the fact that such-and-such celebrity chose your school like a motherfucking badge. (“OMG, Emma Watson is coming to Brown! We’re Hogwarts!”)

11. You secretly agree with the Princeton Mom.

12. You insist that your school is actually the “Gay Ivy.”

13. You’ve been invited to a “naked party.”

14. You feared getting a boner at said “naked party” but went anyway.

15. You didn’t end up getting a boner but were still tossed out for commenting on the forestry of a fellow partygoer’s pubic region.

16. You were the star of your high school debate team.

17. If you went to public school, it was in a town with a long history of redlining.

18. If you went to private school—hold the “if.”

19. You know the son or daughter of at least one senator.

20. You know the son or daughter of at least one European prime minister.

21. You know the son or daughter of at least one Middle Eastern oil baron.

22. You know the son or daughter of at least one African warlord.

23. You’re a regular at a cappella and/or improv shows, or have made a point of avoiding them altogether.

24. You think improv is funny—at least, improv performed by Privileged Ivy League Assholes.

25. You don’t think “the athletes” deserve to be there, forgetting that the “Ivy League” refers to the athletic conference.

26. You don’t give a shit about your school’s sports teams until the one time one of them does anything noteworthy in post-season play, at which point you become the most obnoxious sports fan alive—yes, even worse than Boston sports fans.

27. You’ll denigrate the commercialization of college athletics at state schools and extol the endowment’s recent 20% return in the same breath.

28. You think the “crew guys” are cute but the “squash guys” are better in bed.

29. You know or know of at least one person who transferred from Deep Springs.

30. The Guy Who Speaks Only in Iambic Pentameter is a thing on your campus.

31. You started listening to NPR freshman year and now are “such a slut for Ira Glass.”

32. You’ve devoted serious energy to protesting this year’s commencement speaker and/or “Spring Fling” performer.

33. You’ve had a debate about the Oxford comma and think Vampire Weekend’s song about it is “frivolous.”

34. You listen to Vampire Weekend. (“They met at Columbia!”)

35. You have a strong opinion on the ongoing feud between Jonathan Franzen and Jennifer Weiner.

36. You’re a big fan of the moderately successful Greenpoint-based indie band that started up at your school and just received a lukewarm to favorable (e.g., 6.0-7.5) review in Pitchfork.

37. You’re working on a novel about a disaffected member of the “creative class” who’s struggling to self-actualize in post-9/11, gentrified Brooklyn.

38. You’ve given serious thought to pursuing an MFA in Creative Writing.

39. Then again, law school is always an option.

40. Although so is Teach for America.

41. You keep your cover letters short because your CV “speaks for itself.”

42. You don’t even want to go into “strategy consulting” but can still explain the supposed differences between BCG and Bain.

43. “OMG you’re summering at McKinsey, too? McTwinsies!”

44. “It’s this fund of funds in Greenwich.”

45. “It’s this small VC firm in Menlo Park.”

46. “Who me? Just a Googler.”

47. You and your significant other have strategized on how to get into The New York Times’ Weddings Section over brunch.

49. You think that someday you might have a real shot at a MacArthur “Genius” grant.

50. You claim not to care about prestige but of course you do you Privileged Ivy League Asshole.