11 Weird Things I Think I’ve Learned About The UK From TV

1. Their celebs + our celebs = they have way more celebs than us. Their magazines are just packed with people that they’re supposed to know. I can’t even keep the Kardashian-Jenner clan straight. They flat out hate like 70% of the people they pay to see as well! It puts E! to shame.

2. They use charity as an excuse for a variety show and not awards. In America we have multiple award shows on multiple channel for almost anything we can think of. Unless it’s the Oscars or the Emmys, the awards basically mean nothing. We just watch them for the live performances, celebrity cameos, and jokes. In the UK they do something more akin to a telethon several times a year. Instead of giving the already rich hunks of gold, they have the already rich perform to earn donations for the most needy. Seems like a pretty great system to me.

3. They don’t seem to “do” peanut butter and jelly. How can you be a child without PB&J sandwiches?! Well, the UK is here to fill you in. Apparently they use butter on their sandwiches? I know. Wait till we tell them about the bagel.

4. The way they say “cock” makes it sound small, the way we say “cock” makes it sound dirty. There’s no accounting for accents but at the end of the day our penises might sound sweaty and vulgar… but their penises sound small. “Cock” in a British accent just sounds like “chode.” Sorry not sorry.

5. They don’t seem as excited about vacations. Maybe it’s because they’re given more time off or maybe it’s because they’re so close to other countries and exciting destinations, but they just seem more “blah” about the whole thing. Traveling to an American is an lifelong achievement and a mark or who you are as a person. Traveling to somebody in Europe just seems like a right of passage. They get to see so much more but they seem to value the experience less.

6. Christmas is somehow an even bigger deal. America remains the homeland of capitalism, especially during the holidays, but the UK seems to have Christmas on lock. Not only does the event seem the last a full month – it also engenders TV specials, movie, releases, and hit songs that the US market would salivate over. Maybe it’s just that we have Black Friday and Thanksgiving to keep us in check.

7. There’s an insane amount of accents. In the UK it seems like every 50 miles there’s a new dialect that everyone is familiar with… in the US we just have a handful (and even those are fading). The Welsh accent might not be pretty but at least it’s unique!

8. They judge their weight in “stones” for unknown reasons. I refuse to Google how a “stone” relates to a pound or a kilogram. It’s basically weight loss alchemy. I do know that it seems like a much large unit of measurement but that seems counterintuitive to the concept of trying to lose a certain amount of weight every week. Maybe they don’t have these worries because they’re less, obese. I don’t know.

9. There are two faucets in their sinks. I don’t know who’s dumber… the people that need one faucet for hot and one faucet for cold or the people that can’t manage two faucets. It’s definitely not the plumbers; who’ve found a way to please us all. Whatever the situation it’s pretty clear that we’re different.

10. They put their washers and dryers in their kitchens. Woah. Must get loud. Have you heard about sticking them in a closet? It’s a great system. (Seriously, somebody explain this to me.)
They seem really plugged into our politics. I have no idea how their puzzle-like government works. It makes no sense. I know there is a PM and a parliament but that’s all I can puzzle out.

11. There’s also a queen. Whatever. The population of the UK on the other hand seems super plugged into our political system and the consequences of our elections. I’d say that speaks to our power on the world stage but if that was the case we’d all know how China’s government works and we don’t. So maybe it’s just that we’re loud.