27 Of The Funniest Tweets You’ll Read Today

You'll live, laugh, and maybe even get pregnant.

Updated 10 years ago, April 10, 2015

1.

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

— Janel SantaCruz Campbell (@JanelSantaCruz) February 4, 2014

2.

https://twitter.com/MikeCanRant/status/582518618040107008

3.

https://twitter.com/michelleisawolf/status/584832617096339457

4.

Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you’ve participated in the random meaninglessness of the universe

— dr dipshit (@lil_aracuan) April 8, 2015

5.

thomas edison: i have an idea
[a fucked up rough draft of the lightbulb appears above his head]

— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) April 7, 2015

6.

Leaving a store without buying anything is embarrassing. I feel like people think "farewell idiot who went to the grocery store by mistake"

— mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) April 5, 2015

7.

https://twitter.com/jonnysun/status/584900436114673664

8.

ive been v healthy n eating a lot of water n air

— babby gril (@a_cute_bug) April 5, 2015

9.

https://twitter.com/Ristolable/status/582327386986827776

10.

[wife holding empty can of hairspray while getting ready] "weird, I felt like I just bought this"
[me looking fabulous] "that is weird"

— brent (@murrman5) March 31, 2015

11.

Many people only graduated high school physically.

— Kate (@LadyBroseph) April 7, 2015

12.

ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin

— several onions (@Amusitr0n) March 31, 2015

13.

https://twitter.com/madeleinedoux/status/571407475511058432

14.

https://twitter.com/Karate_Horse/status/581496841092640768

15.

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Or braised. I've enjoyed it baked too. Can't go wrong with Fried Revenge. The point is I'm mad at you.

— greg (@GrowlyGrego) March 25, 2015

16.

https://twitter.com/ibid78/status/579120631586811904

17.

https://twitter.com/ElleOhHell/status/582968886129238016

18.

"Hi, I'm Bear Grylls."
[tears a tarantula in half for no reason]

— Paul (@FrenulumBreve) March 14, 2015

19.

https://twitter.com/robfee/status/585620037790265347

20.

the cashier at Petsmart just told me I smell really good which would be a compliment if my competition wasn't a bunch of dogs and gerbils

— Kristen Drum (@kristendrum) April 2, 2015

21.

"dad, where do babies come from"
"Erm…brb son"
[Dad leaves & an obvious stunt double comes in]
"greetings friend. We talk the sex yes?"

— Fred Delicious 🍆 (@Fred_Delicious) April 2, 2015

22.

me: "never"
doc: "never?"
me: "well my head hasnt turned all the way round if thats what you mean"
doc: "do you think i said owl movement?"

— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) March 30, 2015

23.

https://twitter.com/briangaar/status/583401787320836096

24.

If you walk into a crowded bar carrying a small tray, you can walk up to anyone & ask what they like to drink and they'll just hand you cash

— maura quint (@behindyourback) April 4, 2015

25.

ME: heres our crew for the heist. tom– demolitions
TOM: yo
M: ed– inside man
ED: yup
M: pat– pizza orderer
PAT: let me know of any allergies

— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) April 5, 2015

26.

"What would be your main strength?"
Well, I can communicate with animals…
"Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?"
They can't understand me.

— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) March 20, 2015