5 Reasons Every Woman Should Marry And 1 Reason She Might Not

My recent article on why men should not marry attracted a lot of female commenters who scoffed at the idea that women would ever abuse the powers legal marriage gives them over men. I thought I would flip the genders just to demonstrate to the skeptical exactly how women might, can, and do approach marriage. If this doesn’t convince you of how vulnerable men are, I don’t know what will.

A funny thing about the “wage gap” is that it’s very strong evidence for female privilege. In emerging economies like India or China (40% of engineers in China are women), when a woman from the peasant class has a shot at university, she does not waste it studying dance or pottery painting or Women’s Studies. She grabs a STEM degree, because it assures her a labor market position that will allow her to rescue her entire family from dire poverty. Women in the first world don’t have to worry about that and are free to earn degrees in thinking, talking, reading, feeling and taking care of little kids because they always have an option.

They can exploit a man through his wallet…

The law permits it via something called “marriage”. Here are five reasons women absolutely, definitely should try to get a man to put a ring on it, and one reason she might hesitate.

1. He’ll be considered your personal property

Once upon a time, getting married and settling down and having kids and taking on a mortgage was the definition of manhood. All those things made him an adult, worthy of respect and admiration. In 2015, those things make him a chump, and women can capitalize on that! Father knows best has been replaced with the image of fathers as bumbling, slovenly idiots who would be sleeping in a dumpster if it were not for the intelligent, capable, multi-tasking heroine he married. You will always be considered the captain of your ship, with your man the blundering first officer, and that can translate into some cold, hard cash, if you play your cards right. Never miss a moment to reinforce your ability and his ignorance.

2. You can control him via sex

Men are animals and will do anything for the big O, amirite? Want new boots? A new car? A new house? Starve him for a few weeks/months (here’s a helpful spreadsheet of plausible excuses) and then begrudgingly deliver a BJ or lie back and think of England. When in the throes of gratitude, he will promise you whatever you want. This can be used to great effect. Force him to beg you, make him feel his vulnerability. Don’t forget to remind him that if he seeks “fulfillment” anywhere else, his money, house and kids are yours. Weaponize your sexuality, ladies.

3. Take away his space

A house decorated strictly in florals, pastels and eyelet lace will remind your man that he is merely a visitor in your home, at your discretion. Avoid plaids, animal prints, solid colors or stripes, which are gender neutral and inviting to both sexes. Under no circumstances, allow your man a portion of the home to customize for his own needs, unless it is in the basement, attic or garage. No one gives a shit about those spaces anyways. Berate him loudly and endlessly for setting out a table runner that does not match the linen napkins. That jerk should know better, and more importantly, he should know that if home is where the heart is, the heart is all yours.

4. Divorce will set you up financially

Shacking up with your man can be fun and you’ll get to use his stuff pretty freely (men are so gorgeously generous that way, aren’t they?), but if you piss him off, say, by fucking his best friend, and he shows you the gate, it will be a hard slog to grab some of his stuff for yourself. It’s not impossible, by any means, and you can keep some of his goodies, but the easier way to grab all that stuff is by making it legal. Let’s face it ladies, the law is on our side, and a low cut blouse, some artfully placed makeup, a few tears and cha-ching! That shit is ours! But only if you’re legally married. Don’t worry about pre-nups. Sign away. Bash your arms against a cabinet the day you sign, photograph the bruises, email them to yourself with a date stamp and that pre-nup is about as valuable as roll of Charmin. Aim for a man who has some stuff you want, duh. Cars, houses, pensions, stocks – be smart and the world is your oyster. Or rather, his oyster is your oyster. Same dif.

5. You’ll keep your family

Don’t believe any of the “he’ll get your kids” hype. It’s total bullshit. A few domestic violence allegations (make them early in the proceedings, ladies), a casual sex abuse of the children accusation and those kids are yours. Sure, you’ll have to give them up one or two weekends a month, but that’s just an opportunity to use some of the child support to tour a vineyard with your besties! Silver linings! And hot oenophiles at the shiraz tasting, too!

Win!

So why the hell would any woman not marry? It only applies to women who want total control of children. Married fathers will get a tiny amount of access to children. Unmarried fathers will not. Those kids are yours, 100%, if you didn’t promise til death do us part. You can make him pay to support those kids, but if it ain’t legal, he sees them never. It’s your call. Super smart women will get married and then make sure the kids have different fathers, because that opens the door to double-dipping! You can sue your husband (the schmuck) for child support and the natural father of the child. It’s winning all around!

All things considered, marriage is a sweet deal for women. A grown adult woman can never work a day in her life if she knows how to use her uterus, and the law, to her advantage. Get a man to marry you. His shit is yours. Have kids with another man and grab both for support.

70% of young American men are unmarried? Gee, I wonder why?

This is why women need feminism. Men fighting back against draconian marital laws by refusing to marry at all?

That’s misogyny.