Coffee Bean Is Now Calling Customers The N Word

“Here at The Coffee Bean, we think racism is good,” says CEO John Bean. “Some of these other coffee chains might try to tell you that racism is actually bad. But not here. We think it’s good, and it makes the coffee taste better.”

John Bean is sipping a giant coffee as he explains his plan to require employees to call customers racial slurs with every new order.

“See how big this coffee is? It’s a custom size. Eighty-two ounce mug. That’s how I got 18 inch biceps. By drinking huge ass coffee. It’s because I’m extreme,” he says.

From now until the end of the summer, all customers will be called the n-word after placing their order as part of the “Say It Mean At The Coffee Bean” campaign.

“I came up with it,” says bean. “It’s good because it rhymes.”

Obviously there’s a big debate going on right now about whether or not it’s good to do racism. Some people say it’s bad, others are ambivalent to racism, and a few people think racism is good. One thing is for certain though: the only way we’re going to change society in relation to race is through branded social campaigns by corporate coffee chains.

“We’ve always had more of an in-your-face attitude here at the Coffee Bean,” says Bean. “We don’t take people’s names. You want some kind of flavor in your coffee? Do it your fucking self. It’s over by the cream. You want a muffin? Here you go. I put it on a heavy ass restaurant plate. Carry that shit. You can’t hear me in the drive through? Suck my dick. That sort of thing.”

On the wall behind Bean is a picture of the Starbucks logo. The name has been altered and there’s a large cutout from a pornographic poster of a woman’s breast overlaying the Starbuck’s Siren’s chest. The face has been altered to resemble blackface.

“I changed that myself. It says Star Fucks now,” says Bean, laughing. “Let’s just say I like my coffee like I like my women: racist. Also I’m gay. I don’t like women. But if I did, I would want them to be racist like me.”

Many on social media are already complaining about the campaign, arguing that social commentary has no place in corporate marketing.

“It’s messed up,” says one customer. “These companies are supposed to pander to me indirectly through diversity in ad campaigns or through delicate appropriation of BEV. They’re not supposed to flat out endorse or condemn racism one way or the other. How am I supposed to feel smarter than everyone if marketing is blatantly reaffirming my values and I’m not just being tricked?”