Dear Cilantro: Why Are You The Worst?
You should be ashamed of yourself, cilantro. YOU RUIN FOOD. YOU RUIN FOOD THAT INNOCENT PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO ENJOY.
By 
Jamie Varon
This is my masterpiece, you guys. I am doing the good work. CILANTRO HATERS UNITE.
You ruin everything, cilantro. Salsas, guacamole, burritos, breakfast burritos, Chinese chicken salads (why?), Thai food when you’re disguised as basil, randomly this one time when I got pesto and they used cilantro instead of parsley/basil and I have never eaten pesto since. YOU RUINED PESTO FOR ME, CILANTRO. Sometimes I dream about all the pesto creations I could be eating had it not been for your sneaky parsley-looking ways. Why would you do that? Why would you infiltrate Italian food? Where is your humanity? CAN YOU PLEASE LEAVE ITALIAN FOOD ALONE. You have already ruined Thai food. Sometimes you’re a topping option at some bullshit artisan pizza place. You were hanging out at my Subway in Los Angeles and I was so offended because, one time, one of your stupid sprigs ended up in the green peppers and nobody noticed and so I took a bite out of my egg flatbread sandwich and got a whole mouthful of you. WHO DOES THAT. WHO GETS INTO THE BELL PEPPERS. STAY IN YOUR OWN DAMN CONTAINER, CILANTRO.
Why do you exist? HALF THE POPULATION HATES YOU. You taste like soap and yet you’re in every food that is delicious? Where is the justice in this world? Cilantro, ask yourself next time someone wants to chop you up and sprinkle you on a dish if you’re adding or subtracting love from this world. 50% of the time you’re subtracting love from this world. These are not good odds. You should be ashamed of yourself. YOU RUIN FOOD. YOU RUIN FOOD THAT INNOCENT PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO ENJOY. Why do you want to rob innocent people of their joy, cilantro? What have they ever done to you?
I can accept that you’re in Mexican food, even though I have been cursed as a human being because I have been given opposing wants and needs: I love Mexican food, but I hate you, cilantro. AND YOU’RE EVERYWHERE. I go into Chipotle and they ask me, “What kind of rice?” And I say, “white rice” if I’m feeling unhealthy and “brown rice” if I’m trying to be smug. But, then I have to quickly say, “THE RICE WITHOUT CILANTRO PLAIN RICE PLEASE!!!!!” And, while this is fine if I’m the only person in line at Chipotle, but do you know how often I’m the only person in line at Chipotle, cilantro? FUCKING NEVER. CHIPOTLE IS DELICIOUS AND EVERYONE WANTS IT AT ALL TIMES OF THE DAY. So, the poor employee has to stop the flow of the line and go into the back to find plain rice for me and then they always scoop too much rice, so I have to ask for less rice, because I want to eat chips with my burrito bowl and I can’t eat chips if half my burrito bowl is rice because THAT IS NOT GOOD FOR ME, CILANTRO. So, then, everyone behind me in line begins to hate me because I’m THAT person, the difficult one, the person who is standing between them and their burritos. HAVE YOU EVER STOOD BETWEEN A HUNGRY PERSON AND THEIR BURRITO? IT IS NOT A PLACE YOU WANT TO STAND, CILANTRO. I COULD GET CUT. ALL BECAUSE YOU SUCK AND TASTE LIKE SOAP AND RUIN EVERYTHING GOOD IN MY LIFE.
Do you know how many times I’ve been in a restaurant and I’ve had to practically yell at the server to make sure there is not even one sprig of cilantro on my dinner? Your leaves are not even that bad. It’s your stupid stems that have all your stupid flavor and they stupid hide in every dinner, apparently. You’re in things you’re not supposed to be in, cilantro! Are you trying to make some culinary comeback and are basically volunteering for any job that comes your way? Is some chef just like, “Hey, we need a stand-in for parsley today,” and you’re like, “MEMEMEMEMEME!!” YOU AND PARSLEY ARE NOT THE SAME, CILANTRO. I’m sorry to break it to you, but you cannot be in every dish. You cannot replace basil. Basil is the cornerstone of many, many delicious dishes and you will RUIN EVERY SINGLE ONE IF YOU START TRYING TO TAKE OVER WITH YOUR SPRIGS AND STEMS AND LEAVES AND GROSS SOAP DIRT TASTE FUCK.
Please stop existing. Uproot yourself and just GTFO. Nobody likes you, cilantro. You are a day ruiner. I still don’t eat pesto because of you. PESTO! For shame, cilantro. For shame.
CILANTRO HATERS UNITE. OUR FIRST SUPPORT GROUP MEETING STARTS RIGHT NOW. 
