(Not Your Typical) Reasons I’m Single, And Why This Makes Me A Great Catch

1. Well for starters, my confidence is so low that I’m actually sitting here writing this list. I’m actually lying here thinking of all the reasons why, if I were someone else, I would not date me.

2. I’m so neurotic sometimes I wish I could run away from myself. Thankfully for others, they have that option. I often suggest that they take use of that (discretely of course).

3. I don’t know what cool is, nor will I ever be cool, or even be able to fake cool. So if you are looking for chill…date my fridge.

4. Did I say fridge?…FOOD. I have a love-hate thing going with food already. I’d really hate to drag someone into that disaster (hashtag it’s complicated).

5. I am likely the most awkward turtle you will ever meet. I trip over my own words, feet, furniture, air, you name it! Not to mention I missed health class in grade nine, so my development as a human being has been completely stunted in that aspect of life. You want me to do what with my what?

6. Crushes fuck me up almost as bad as vodka fucks up a lightweight (I would know…).

7. The aftermath of crushes (aka REJECTION) leaves me out of commission for about a day ….Plus 10.

8. I am 100% deep down a hopeless romantic…Therefore every book and movie that I’ve ever seen and created in my head has ruined reality for me forever.

9. I’m awesome.

1. Okay yes, my confidence is kind of low, but not everyone can be on top of their game every day! Plus, I’m turning this around, just you wait and see.

2. Neuroticism doesn’t allow for rash decisions about something as intimate as a relationship. Everything needs to feel exactly right for the green light in the brain to go off and allow the feeling machine to feel the feels (that’s true science, study conducted by yours truly).

3. Global warming. No one is cool.

4. Everyone has trouble with food these days it seems, so let’s get through it together, shall we? LET’S EAT ALL THE COOKIES…In moderation, of course.

5. The first time is weird for everyone — why should we cheat ourselves of that critical life experience?!

6. Getting screwed over twice, the same way, by different people, is not likely to happen (unless it’s vodka — beware of the vodka).

7. Rejection helps you realize that having someone not be into you is NOT the end of the world. It’s not that they hate you or think you’re a troll creature from the swamps. They just don’t feel you’ll mesh. In essence, they are probably doing you a favor by being honest. It stings a little (or a lot), but the best thing you can do is have a bowl of ice cream and look to your power — your friends. That is real love you have right in front of you; you should never let your infatuations come between that.

8. Don’t set the bar so high that you cannot appreciate the raw honesty that is real life. Things that come from the heart are better than any grand cinematic gesture out there. Write your own story by living with your eyes open.

9. Believe you are awesome and don’t feel the need to find someone. It’s when you’re living your life the way you want to that people notice how awesome you really are (and yes, you are awesome). Own yourself, love yourself and be yourself! Whatever makes you happy and bad ass, do that! The rest will follow.

So the real reason why I’m still single?

I’m not ready to be anything else just yet.