Kanye Was Almost Right, But Beck Should Give His Grammy To Those Who Need It Most

At the Grammys on Sunday night, aging prepubescent child Beck took top honors as the winner of Album of The Year in what many consider to be a surprise decision, as no one listened to Beck’s album at all, and personally, I thought he was dead. Included in those shocked by the outcome was Kanye West, who took the stage before Beck could receive the award, and then quickly walked off, leaving many unsure whether he was protesting the decision or simply mocking his own behavior from 2009’s VMAs.

On Monday, Ye clarified. Sure there was an air of self-deprecation and jest to his behavior but his gesture of protest was somewhat in earnest. Kanye feels that Beck didn’t deserve the award, and it instead should have once again, gone to Beyoncé.

While it’s true that art – and by extension art’s retarded cousin popular music – is subjective, there’s a limit to subjectivity, and at a certain point things are without question better or worse than some other things – and that limit is the opinion of Kanye West. If Kanye thinks Beyoncé deserved the award, then she deserved the award.

You see Kanye is always right about everything and if you disagree with him then you’re a racist. If you criticize his behavior at all, it’s because you hate black people. That’s why I wholeheartedly endorse his criticisms of Beck, but I’m taking it a step further. I think Kanye didn’t go far enough.

Instead of giving the Grammy to Beyoncé, Beck should give the Grammy to those who really need the Grammy. I’m talking about starving African children or the rainforest. The Grammys (and all industry self-suck awards for that matter) are extremely important and not something to be trivialized. Those tiny little statues change lives – they’re made out of shiny metal after all. And like those tiny little statues, the people that matter most in the world aren’t popular musicians (even though they’re high on the list). No, the people who matter most in the world are distant, anonymous victims of poverty, whose collective identity can be reduced to a 30 second PSA and the price of a cup of coffee per day.

While artists and celebrities like Ye and Beck and Beyoncé obviously sacrifice a lot just to produce music that we’re supposed to like, there are additional requirements to being a celebrity that we often don’t think about. Did you know you get fired from Hollywood if you don’t care about starving African children or the rainforest? It’s true. They ask you to leave. Just try saying the rainforest sucks at an award show. They’ll burn your oeuvre and piss on your corpse. Then they’ll produce a primetime memorial biopic about you on ABC, and part of the revenue (1%) will fund the planting of a tree by Gwyneth (I love her!!!!).

Yes, Beck should give the award to a bunch of starving African children. Imagine how special that would be for them. Imagine all the good it would do. They couldn’t eat the awards, but those little tiny trophies would imbue a starving African boy with the same sense of warrantless self-importance that the average American child is afforded through their doting parents and parasitic child-oriented marketing. It would give him something to live for – himself.

Imagine for a second, a dirty little child, digging through piles of feces for a precious yam or perhaps a delicious date, one that they’ll have to share with their entire village (all of whom, by the way, have been starving to death because a pack of bonobos recently stole all their coconuts). Suddenly the clouds part. From the heavens a silhouette of a helicopter appears. Its blades chopping through the air in a droning powerful rhythm. From its skids, black whips shoot out like wet spaghetti. Gravity brings the ropes taught, down to the observers. Befedorad men descend, their soul patches billow. Who could it be? Who are these heavenly guests in the hot, disgusting clime of impoverished stinky Africa? Why… it’s the members of Del Amitri! And they’re carrying all of Celine Dion’s awards from 1997! The villagers rejoice. Justice has been restored. They hug Del Amitri and thank them. The video is broadcast in a giant banquet hall filled with the good celebs, and the reception is televised. We watch Bradley Cooper and Pharrell take a hero selfie. We wish we were them – either the celebs or the starving Africans, we can’t decide.

This could be the world. This is how Beck and the other celebs could continue making everyone’s lives better.

Do the right thing Beck, give the little trophy to the people that need it the most.