Ghost Sex

Cuddling up in bed is the only plan of action on an evening so frigid. I’m laying atop my bulky mattress pad and plaid sheets, typing away while encompassed in a fortress of fleece blankets. Naturally I’m sporting some thick sweatpants, a flannel shirt, and a burnt-orange wool sweater over top of that flannel. If there are any female ghosts in the room I can’t imagine how they’re refraining from jumping my bones.

Ghost sex? Yep. I’m rocking you with my tomfoolery right out of the gate. Human-ghost intercourse, however, is far from nonsense. This is a real and frightening affair that’s happening frequently. 12,000 people a year report sexual activity with spirits according to a study from some university that doesn’t but should exist.

Truthfully there aren’t any studies on the subject, although many folks claimed to have been sexually abused by unseen forces over the years. That’s the entire plot of the 1981 horror film The Entity, in which a woman named Carla is tormented and raped by an invisible presence. Probably wasn’t a good film for me to be delving into at 15, granted I also owned 2 FUBU shirts at that age. When we’re young we all do things we shouldn’t.

Now, The Entity is based on a novel of the same name. The book, terrifyingly enough, is loosely based on real events. This means some poor lady who was probably smokin’ hot got repeatedly attacked by a ghost penis. I beg of you to understand that I’m not going out of my way to be insensitive here. There exists a somewhat accurate account of this, and my choice of words, “attacked by a ghost penis,” are probably the exact words from this woman’s description.

Spectrophilia, the proper term for a sexual encounter with a spirit, isn’t new and seems to be more common than I originally thought. Across the internet you’ll find many psychics speaking openly about working with clients who have undergone such trauma. These unimaginable and bizarre experiences simply happen, and we don’t really ask many questions. I have a few I’d like to bring to the table. Which table? The table for inquiries regarding paranormal porking.

First off, what does the ghost do after he or she finishes sexing a horrified person? Light up a cig, chill for a second, and then get back to ghost activities? Perhaps deeply think their way into regret?

You know at least one ghost has looked back and said, “Yikes…not my finest. I was at an emotional low point. Plus I kinda had a thing for chunkier gals with bangs.”

As humans we tend to converse about our intimate relationships. A great deal of people aren’t shy when it comes to dishing out every filthy detail of their sex lives. Do you think ghosts talk? Like a male phantom finishes doin’ his thing with some spicy Latina and then floats over to his boys with swagger and a smirk, ready to boast.

Or a lady ghost calls her friend crying:

“Alicia…he didn’t even wake up. Like am I that loose? Also he muttered something about smelling fried oysters.”

“Girl I think you might have a yeasty,” Alicia responds.

“A yeasty? What’s that?” asks lady ghost with the gross genitals.

“A yeast infection,” retorts Alicia.

“Oh. Why would you even say yeasty?”

“I don’t know,” Alicia replies. “I thought it might sound cool.”

“Well it didn’t. It didn’t sound cool,” lady ghost shouts. “You sound like a fucking idiot.”

Alicia snaps back, “Don’t take your anger over your gross vagina out on me!”

And that is unfortunately the end of Alicia and Martina’s ghost relationship. Very sad, although time can heal almost any wound.

Lastly, I ask one vital question – why are spirits knockin’ boots with living people? My only assumption is they’re physically incapable of having sex with each other. Boo to boo bumpin’ isn’t an option. That ghost bootyhole is just for show. At least I’d like to think this is the case. Otherwise, ghosts are making the conscious decision to rape people as opposed to taking care of business with one another.

It may just be vengance. Meaning you’re living in this guy’s house and he’s absolutely fed up to the brim with your bullshit. You’re laying carelessly in the very bedroom he died in 18 years ago. Well guess what, he’s tired of it and he’s gonna do sex stuff to you because of it.

Tragic subject matter indeed, but it’s out there. As I lay here overheated and itchy in my fleece/wool body armor, I can’t help but wonder what being worked over by a ghost would be like. My guess is partially exhilarating. Flattering at the very least. It would be an honor to be the sexual prey of a dead person who can’t come to terms with the past. I’m either not living in the right house, or just plain unattractive. For now there’s no true answer to anything. We can only sit back and wait as the horned up ghosts terrorize households with their need for pleasure and sexual thrill.

Added note: I understand some of you disregard paranormal occurrences altogether. I personally am a firm believer in ghosts, signs, and the afterlife. I’ve had my experiences with the paranormal, but those stories are for another day. If you’ve had any strange encounters yourself I would love to hear about them.