These Things Are Really Weird

The other day, my friend sent me a link to the Wikipedia page for “Bloop.” A summary:

The Bloop is the name given to an ultra-low frequency and extremely powerful underwater sound detected by the U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) several times during 1997. The source of the sound remains unknown… NOAA’s system ruled out its origin as any known man-made sound, such as a submarine or bomb, or familiar geological sounds such as volcanoes or earthquakes. While the audio profile of the bloop does resemble that of a living creature, the system identified it as unknown because it was far too loud for that to have been the case: it was several times louder than the loudest known biological sound.

What the hell… Just the existence of a “loudest known biological sound” makes me feel weird. A loudest known biological sound. Jesus.

And this thing is louder than the loudest known biological sound, which is apparently produced by blue whales. What’s going on? Why is there probably some living ‘thing’ producing a sound louder than the loudest known biological sound? In the ocean? This is terribly frightening. This makes me even more afraid of large bodies of water. Maybe it is somehow connected to this thing, which is also weird:

Apparently there are UFOs in China now, and this one recently closed one of the country’s airports for a day. What is that red light there? Is that a laser? It looks like a laser. Officials say it’s military related—also weird—and are keeping quiet about it.

And then there’s the Grinning Man, some guy that’s apparently really tan, has long, slicked-back hair, is tall and ‘gangly,’ wears “sparkling green overall costumes” and walks around scaring the shit out of everyone by making shit-eating grins and asking them weird questions. He may or may not have eyes and ears. Here’s what someone said about the Grinning Man:

Then a man stepped out, described as around 6 feet tall, with long dark hair combed straight back. His skin was heavily tanned. He wore an outfit that was made out of some sort of “glistening green material,”… He was grinning broadly. Derenberger said that the figure spoke to him telepathically and said his name was “Cold”, and went off asking him strange questions.

Seems really bad. The giant beast making loud, bleak noises somewhere in the Equatorial Pacific, the UFO with the laser propulsion system and the Grinning Man are not chill. They make me feel doomed. I only hope that they find out that the bloop is actually the sound of like, global warming being reversed, or something, that the UFO one day delivers us Avatar-looking, world peace inducing aliens, and that the Grinning Man stops doing that.