9 Christmas Gifts To Get Your Mom’s New Wife

2) Travel-Size Japanese Rock Garden

Updated 10 years ago, December 15, 2014

1) Japanese Rock Garden

Nothing’s more universally inoffensive than a small shallow box with sand, rocks and a tiny little rake in it. Everyone likes to relax while combing some sand around rocks and then pushing the rocks around and starting again. While you’re watching TV or something, right?

2) Travel-Size Japanese Rock Garden

If your mom’s new wife spends a lot of time on the road, pick her up a travel-size version of the sandy fun you’d normally have at home. She’ll be so thankful when she’s combing rocks at bus stops, train station bathrooms and the airport smoking lounge.

3) ‘Supermarket lit’ by Dean Koontz and John Grisham

People like these kind of books. They’re fun to read at the beach with a Diet Coke after you’ve taken your first swim. You wrap yourself up in a towel and eat some potato chips while you settle into your beach chair and pick up a book that someone bought you for Christmas while they were also picking up toilet paper and thousand island dressing.

4) The game “Clue”

It’s a classic. It doesn’t require you to mold anything out of clay or act out a scene. You can play it in under an hour, usually. Pop off a couple of rounds of Clue and you’ve done your time for the weekend.

5) Set of Bella Freud candles

I don’t know what these are but I asked my gay BFF and he said that these would be a totally chic gift to give your mom’s new wife. He also added that they smell like shit but are totally pretty on the outside.

6) Massaging head pillow

I dunno, I think we all kind of have neck pain. Your mom’s new wife is probably kind of old and old people like to lay around and use shit like this while they FINALLY watch that Downton Abbey and just LOVE it.

7) Cashmere socks

Cashmere socks make me think of the statistic I heard that women are more likely to come if their feet are warm during sex so some people recommend you wear socks when you do it. It sucks that my brain has to ruin something like nice socks with mental images of your mom going down on her new wife (and you know they do it—all parents do it. Your parents are probably doing it right now) but it goes there. If it doesn’t for you, get the socks.

8) Gift basket from Kiehl’s

This is what you get if you couldn’t make it to the wedding, aren’t totally close with your mom but generally happy for her and this woman. You want to get something nice to show that you are thinking of her, but you don’t know the bitch. Just pick her up a gift pack of the unscented and call it a damn day. They come pre-wrapped. Put a nice card on it.