If “The Thirst Is Real,” Then I’m Parched

I’m slowly, but more rapidly, entering that phase of life where you hate almost everything about today’s youth. I feel like all I’m missing is a cane, suspenders and dentures when I talk about some things that I — and many others — can’t stand about the new “hip” ways of the world.

The big thing for me is the slang. That’s where I’m lost. I’ll “turn up” to some EDM every now and then, but some of the other terminology makes no sense to me. For months, I thought “bae” was a shortened version of “baby” before I eventually asked someone. I literally just found out what a “thot” is over the summer. But the one phrase that actually annoys me is, “the thirst is real.”

Again, it took a while for me to figure out what the hell that meant, but when I did, it both confused and annoyed me. I’ll just take this Urban Dictionary definition as an example and go with it.

“The thirst” is everything that is wrong with today’s logic in dating. “Oh, someone who likes you is showing you interest?!” Man, how desperate is that? Don’t they know they should string you along and keep you guessing the whole time? Amateurs.

“This person keeps asking me out, but despite my flirtatious texts and conversations with them, they don’t get the point that I’m not interested like that. The thirst is real.” Well, maybe if you just said, “Look, I like you, but really just as friends,” they wouldn’t misread your cryptic code.

Unless you want drama in a relationship, please don’t bother with someone who believes in “the thirst.” If you think that someone genuinely showing interest in you — without games — is wrong, then you really need to re-evaluate your way of thinking.

If someone likes you and you just want to be friends, tell them. It will be better for all parties involved. You won’t feel awkward for trying to break the news to them because now they’ll know; and they won’t feel like an idiot for thinking that something is or could be there when there isn’t.

I can’t do the, “wait a little bit to respond to a text” thing; I can’t do the “hide your emotions” thing; I don’t have the self-control or the time for it. This isn’t to say that I’m professing my love to every girl I talk to, but if I’m writing at home and have my phone on me, I’ll answer your text; if I can’t answer, I’ll answer when I can. If I like you as a friend, I’ll tell you. If I want to date you, I’ll ask you out. For someone who is a chronic over-thinker, I really don’t see why any of this should be that difficult to figure out or understand.

If asking someone you find attractive and would want to spend time with on a date is “thirsty,” please, grab me a glass of water.