The Inner Monologue Of A Non-Athletic Girl At The Gym

All right, gotta find my cute workout clothes so all of those bitches in Lululemon don’t get to completely hate on me. What is with those girls anyway? How do they not sweat? How do they look even better after an hour and half after Pilates? Is that why a pair of those leggings costs more than my rent – there’s some super sonic girl science in them that makes you sweat internally so as not to mess up your perfect “#nomakeup” makeup? I’ll never be one of them; I’ll never fit in with them. I could never post a no makeup selfie; I’d lose all 12 of my Instagram followers. I also don’t really get the hype about chia seeds or coconut water so what would we talk about?

These old pink leggings and this cut off t-shirt aren’t bad, even if I have to hide the dog logo so I don’t look 14 and a half. I look kind of like Jennifer Beals circa 1983. Her body was ridiculous. Me and the old off-the-shoulder are going to work it on the elliptical and then I too will be hot enough to dump a bucket of water over myself while “What A Feeling” rages on in the background. God that was a good movie. The 80’s are back, so this isn’t bad.

Right… strike that, I look stupid. Everyone here looks like they jumped out of the Insanity infomercials purely to show off their crazy abs and make me feel like a little fat kid off to the side clutching my diet soda. My shirt is from a donut shop — a hipster donut shop, yes, but still. Who wears a donut shop shirt to the gym? Me, that’s who. God they’re like horses they can smell my fear, they know I don’t belong.

Don’t smile at someone doing squats…that was awkward.

What do the different settings on the elliptical even mean? It only needs one setting: skinny. Every woman would just press “skinny” and we wouldn’t have to sit here wasting time trying to decide if “cardio” or “fat burn” was going to be more effective at making us begin to even tolerate seeing ourselves naked.

Here we go. Yeah, Rihanna makes working out feel so cool. Good Girl Gone Bad was a great album. I don’t care what my hipster music major friends say, she’s an artist. I want her body. Maybe the elliptical should have different pop stars as settings and you could select the person based on either your mood while working out OR the ass you were hoping to get. Rihanna, Selena Gomez, Beyoncé, Gaga…okay note to self, totally patent that idea.

Oh my god why is the resistance changing!? It’s too soon! This sucks. I look like I’m going so slow next to “24 Hour Fitness Barbie” over here who is just lunging away like a damn gazelle but that’s because she’s at a 3 and I’m at an 8. How does her hair still look so good?! Dear god I can just tell that my baby hairs are out of control. TELL ME YOUR HAIR SECRETS, YOU LITTLE GYM FAIRY!

Why did I do this to myself? I hate being sweaty. Being sweaty to me is the physical manifestation of the way it feels when you go to write with a clicky pen and you forget to click the pen part out. Ugh…

Okay bro with no sleeves. It’s obvious that this is your second home but you can save the “what are you doing here” face. I’m obviously trying to work off all the donuts displayed on my t-shirt. I know you’re thinking “Elliptical, how pathetic” but this is making my legs feel like they’re literally going to fall off my body and I’ll be stuck in the gym forever AKA: the tenth circle of hell for a girl that never played sports growing up. So spare me, bro, just spare me.

How do you read a magazine when you’re working out? I’m so preoccupied with the fact that I’m panting like a dog I can barely focus on all of the dishes Rihanna is breaking. The girls who bring Vogue and just leisurely page through…how?! I really need to make friends with a pretty gym girl if for no other reason than to learn all of her hacks and tricks.

All right almost done, that wasn’t so bad, I feel absolutely disgusting but also kind of hotter. I could totally be one of those fit girls with the braggy Instagram accounts filled with #gymlife and protein shakes. The cool down counts as part of the actual work out right? Except does it count as a cool down if I’m so hot and sweaty that I might just start steaming when I go outside?

What the hell — I only burned 400 calories?! I think it’s wrong. That was at least 600. I’m going with 600, what does a machine know anyway?

Oh my god cold air feels amazing. Thank god for cold air.

I wonder if the bubble tea shop is still open….am I skinny yet?