Dear Straight Dude: Why do Straight Dudes Like To Hit on Gay Guys?

Dear Straight Dude,

Why do so many straight guys think it’s funny to hit on gay guys? I can’t tell you the number of times that a straight guy has grabbed my ass, package, or groped me, trying to be flirty. Being a gay guy, of course, I’ve read too much into this and mistaken it for actual flirting, only to be horribly embarrassed when they say, “Oh no, bro, I’m just messing with ya.” Well STOP messing with me! I would never lead a straight girl on in the same way. It’s malicious. So why do straight guys love to do this?

-Confused and Upset

Confused and Upsetbro,

Unfortunately, your typical Straight Guy is a typical douchebag, so, sorry about that, dude. But, maybe this will set your mind at ease – the Straight Guy that gets you all hot and bothered until you can’t take it anymore, then drops the Girlfriend Bomb on you is like, actually kind of gay. Like I’m pretty sure Straight Guy is… you know… feeling kind of antsy down there, too, if that’s the kind of behavior in which he’s getting himself involved on a regular basis. Let’s be logical – it’s either that, or he’s a malicious moron who gets off on any type of sexual energy directed his way. And these options are not mutually exclusive.

Here are my suggestions for handling this frustrating dilemma that you find yourself in all too often.

1. Freak him out. If Straight Dude wants to play the part, play the part back, and do it after he’s tried to pull out (heh). When he drops the Straight Bomb on you, act like it’s just part of the whole back and forth nature of courtship. Then, corner him in the back of the bar and grab his crotch. Straight Dude will squeal. In other words, make him experience the age-old Be Careful What You Wish For rule. Straight Dude will be discouraged from such behavior in the future.
2. Freak out. Yeah – throw a fit. It doesn’t need to be one of those stereotypically flaming fits or anything. Just show your righteous outrage, and call Straight Dude out on what he’s doing. Remind Straight Dude of how he was acting just five minutes before The Reveal; “I don’t know dude, we made some pretty intense eye contact there. And why has your hand been on the small of my back all night? Was I really imagining all that?” The key is not to look hurt, but indignant and confident in what you’ve perceived. Showing Straight Dude that you are on to him will deal a blow to his ego and let him know that he’s not getting away with as much as he thinks he is.
3. Surprise him. When Straight Dude drops The Reveal on you, play it cool; “Oh shit!” you’ll say. “Well, that’s awkward…” This is a perfectly understandable misunderstanding, and so you can afford to be open about it (Straight Dude is actually banking off this misunderstanding, so it’s safe to call it out). Both of you leave the conversation, and Straight Dude feels high on life, because he just got to reject someone that wanted him again, and this makes him feel powerful and wanted and full of Sexual Prowess. Anyways, let him socialize, etc., but when he puts his coat on and makes his way out the door, grab him and kiss him on the mouth. Make sure it’s sweaty and forceful. Pull back and grin. You should behold a horrified facial expression.

Confused and Upset, I hope this advice helps you. Whatever Straight Dude is doing in this situation, know that it’s not against you – it’s just fuel for his ego.

Peace.

Straight Dude