5 Things I Wish Google Could Answer

1. How to take a selfie and not hate it?

Have you ever seen a picture of yourself and it has kind of ruined your day? If I were to take a wild guess, I’d say that for every fifty selfies I take, there’s only one that I would deem acceptable enough to not make me want to throw my iphone against the wall in disgust. Even then, it would have to be passed through a filter until I reach the stage of being able to mildly tolerate it. I want to know if there’s a quick-fix for this daily inconvenience.

2. Do slow walkers know how slow they are walking?

Before you mistake me for Usain Bolt, I will say that I walk at a pace that most would classify as average. SO CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO ME WHY, WHY, I ALWAYS MANAGE TO GET STUCK BEHIND PEOPLE WHO SAUNTER AROUND AT A SLOWER VELOCITY THAN MY GRANDMA?! And while you’re at it can you explain why these people appear to have zero peripheral vision and insist on walking shoulder to shoulder, thereby blocking the entire pavement?

3. How many squats do I have to do to look like Beyonce?

Just hit me with a number. 100? 500? 1,000,000? I’m not going to even start putting myself through this torture until I know exactly how many squats I am away from having an ass on par with Beyonce. If it’s over 20 you can forget it.

4. How do I force myself to like sport?

I’ve tried. I really have. I wish I cared. I really do. I just don’t. But I’m so, SO done with group conversations turning to sport and having to sit in silence and occasionally nod in agreement at random comments about players and teams I’ve never heard of. If I can force myself to tolerate tomatoes in salad, I can force myself to tolerate 90 minute football matches, right? RIGHT?

5. Why, no matter how hard I try, can I not recreate things on my Pinterest board?

Before you belittle this first-world problem, I must state that it has caused me a lot of frustration and bitter disappointment. A lot of time, thought and painstaking wasted effort has gone into trying to recreate all the cute things I’ve found on Pinterest. First it was the unmitigated disaster of the Breaking Bad campervan cake that amounted to nothing more than a pile of batter and icing. Then it was the ombre nails that may as well have been done by a rampant 5 year old. The final nail in the coffin was the Kim Kardashian contoured face tutorial that made me resemble a washed-up corpse. Is it me?! Where am I going wrong?