25 Hilarious Jokes That Will Instantly Make Your Day Better

"Can't believe how different booty calling and butt dialing are."

Updated 10 years ago, August 25, 2014

Can't believe how different booty calling and butt dialing are

— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) July 12, 2014

CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.

— Will Phillips (@TheThryll) September 5, 2012

Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?

— rob fee (@robfee) March 8, 2014

https://twitter.com/rolldiggity/status/125316567935352832

I like telling car salesmen "Listen, we both know I'm not here to buy a car" and trying to figure out what it is they think I'm there to do

— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) March 25, 2013

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

— Robin McCauley Lynch (@RobinMcCauley) June 28, 2013

Depressed? Keep your chin up cuz when it's down it looks like there's two of them, which is gross.

— Brett Ryland (@brettryland) December 15, 2011

ANYONE WHO IS MORE INTERESTING THAN I AM IS A HIPSTER & ANYONE WHO IS LESS INTERESTING THAN I AM IS A BRO & I AM MAD AS FUCK AT ALL OF THEM

— conor hankinson (@ConorTripler) May 14, 2014

You know the second after you bleach your anus someone is going to spill red wine on it, right?

— Lisa Beth Johnson (@ladybirdj) June 20, 2012

Doggy style means you get a treat afterwards, yeah?

— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) May 7, 2012

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs

— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) June 25, 2012

https://twitter.com/KenJennings/status/208358312402620417

https://twitter.com/thepatrickwalsh/status/421435512612589569

Sorry I yelled "killin' it" when your mom was eating that banana.

— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) January 7, 2013

When I pick my daughter up from day care she screams “DADDY!” and runs towards me for a hug and it’s like be cool bitch you look desperate.

— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) May 3, 2013