10 Buttons Your Girlfriend Has That You Must Never, Ever Press

1. The Telling Her To “Relax” Button

Updated 10 years ago, July 31, 2014

This post was co-written by Lord Rob Fee and myself. Buttons 1-5 are described by me, and 6-10 by Rob.

1. The Telling Her To “Relax” Button

If you ever feel like you might want to press this button, what you should do instead is just not. This is like when you pull the chain on a ceiling fan thinking it’ll slow down or turn off, but it actually goes to the highest speed and begins shaking so violently that you’re bracing yourself for some blunt force trauma. Be forewarned, the “Calm Down” Button is precisely the same – there are no loopholes when it comes to suggesting what mood your girlfriend should be in, folks.

2. The Risky Joke That’s Destined To Turn Into An Argument Button

Poking fun at her outfit, jokingly defending her enemy, playfully suggesting another girl is attractive – these are dicey types of comments. It’s similar to when the middle school kid thinks he’s being adorably rebellious by pulling the fire alarm, but the cops come and scare him straight because he actually broke the law and is convinced he’s going to jail. Attempt provocative humor with caution because mentioning the wrong name, having poor delivery, or using the incorrect term or tone can make things escalate quickly. One second you’re doing your best Louis C.K. impression, the next you’re a 12-year-old being scolded by the police.

3. The Social Media Following Of A Potential Threat & Liking Of Her Posts Button

This could mean social media interaction with an ex or a mysterious person your girlfriend isn’t familiar with, so tread lightly. If it’s a Facebook friend request, be careful. If it’s a risqué Instagram photo, don’t like it. The act of double tap “liking” a photo is a literal representation of pressing your girlfriend’s buttons. Even if she asks for your opinion on a particular woman’s physical appearance, daring you to press the button, don’t. Glance at the button, unenthusiastically “meh” at the button, scroll down past the button, just don’t be the foolish ninny who takes the bait and suffers all of the consequences of the button.

4. The Rush Her When She’s Getting Ready Button

Here’s the only relevant factor to consider when you’re about to press this button: SHE IS GOING TO TAKE HOWEVER LONG SHE NEEDS TO GET READY, RUSHED OR NOT. With that in mind, as difficult as it may be, don’t press the button by saying “hurry up” or anything along those lines. There are subtle ways of creating a sense of urgency, but even those are like lightly tapping the button, so be careful. Any are-you-almost-done’s or suggestive, irritated sighs aren’t going to speed up the inevitable. Do you want to hold your horses and keep the peace, or press the button, wind up waiting just as long anyway, and ruin the entire vibe for the next 1-48 hours?

5. The Remaining Silent When She Wants To Argue Button

Yes, by refusing to press a button and engage when she’s feeling feisty and wants her buttons pressed, you are somehow pressing a button. It’s buttonception.

6. “Are you on your period?”

This is never a good idea for two reason; first of all, you’re implying that the reason she’s upset isn’t a legitimate reason, but rather because her body is causing her to overreact in an emotional way. That’s not good. Secondly, it’s an awful idea because if she actually is on her period you just made her feel like garbage and a justifiable homicide is about to take place. Benson and Stabler and going to find you and be like, “Yep. He made a remake about being on her period, didn’t he?”

7. Saying “I don’t know why this is such a big deal” when you know exactly why it’s a big deal

There are times when one person is upset with the other in a relationship and you genuinely don’t know what’s going on. That’s one thing, but when you know you’re in the wrong or you know exactly what you did and you try to play it off, that’s a recipe for bad times. Instead of diffusing the situation and trying to fix it, you’ve just started a war that would make Biggie and Tupac’s East Coast/West Coast battle look like Drake and Chris Brown having a slap fight in a Denny’s parking lot.

8. “(Girl Who She Hates) is pretty hot”

You’re walking on dangerous ground talking about the attractiveness of women you both know, but commenting on the hotness of someone she’s frequently mentioned disliking is just asking for trouble. She realizes her archenemy is attractive, but now she knows that you’ve thought about it enough to bring it up in a conversation. Now she’ll be paranoid every time you two are in the same neighborhood as each other.

9. “You’re acting like my mom”

She’s met your mom and heard you talking about how controlling and overbearing she is, so when you drop this one it does some damage. This isn’t just a button you press, this is the up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start of dating.

10. The ultimate, most end of the world button you could ever press: “cunt.”

Oh my god I honestly didn’t even like typing that. It’s the Voldemort of relationships. It’s the Fight Club of dating. You do not talk about it and you do not utter the name of he who must not be named. When you drop this one you’re signing your release papers and letting the world know that you are ready and willing to end the relationship. And if it’s not over, it’s going to be a very awkward next few days.