13 Cool Cosmetic Ingredients

1. Lead, or sometimes called acetate, or sometimes not listed at all, is found in many lipsticks. It’s also found in some hair dyes. Lead is a neurotoxin, carcinogen, and “hormone disruptor.” Sometimes it’s just worth it to have bright red lips though. Life is all about choices, weighing the pros and cons. Apples contain cyanide. Puffer fish is poisonous as well as a gourmet delicacy.

2. Mercury [thimerosol, mercuric oxide, phenyl mercuric acetate, phenyl mercuric benzoate, mercurichrone.] Heavy metal might be a nice genre of music but it is also found in some mascaras and eye drops. Mercury can cause allergic reactions, but so can peanuts. It can also cause neurological impairment, but so can boyfriends! Ha ha ha.

3. Mineral oil [petrolatum] is a cheap petroleum by-product used in many moisturizers, foundations, lipsticks and glosses, hair products, and baby oil. It sort of inhibits the body’s ability to release toxins but this is easily avoidable— just shred off all your skin with a machete.

4. Oxybenzone [also called benzophenone-3, benzoyl-5, 5-methoxyphenol, 2-hydroxy-4-methoxybenzophenone, methanone, solaquin.] This is an active ingredient in chemical sunscreens. It is linked to low birth weights. In an age periled by obesity this may not be such a bad thing.

5. Parabens [methyl-, ethyl-, propyl-, butylparabens, 4-hydroxybenzoic acid, propul ester, propyl 4-hydroxybenzoate, benzoic acid, 4-hydroxy-, butyl ester.] This shit fucks with your endocrine system, apparently, but what doesn’t? Parabens are also linked to breast cancer and are considered as neuro and immunotoxins. It has been known to irritate people’s skin… It’s used to prevent microbial growth in cosmetics. I don’t know, what if we just start putting our foundation in the freezer? Would that solve anything at all? What if we just smear human feces across our faces? Why?

6. Paraphenylenediamene [also called PPD, p-diaminobenzene, p-phenylenediamine, p-aminoaniline, 1,4-benesediamine.] This is found in hair dyes and other hair products. It is linked to dermatitis and is considered an immune system and organ toxicant. It causes cancer in lab animals. Why are they testing hair dyes on animals? It’s cruelty! Stop animal cruelty!

7. Phthalates are rarely listed as such but are hidden in many fragrances. It is linked to liver, kidney, and lung damage. So are mojitios and cigars. On a Cuban beach in the middle of the winter, the flavor is magnetic.

8. Polyethylene glycol [PEG; also avoid PG: propylene glycol, and PPG: polypropylene glycol.] This is used in a lot of cream-based products, lubricants, and generally in cosmetics everywhere. They are well-known carcinogens. It’s inescapable.

9. Silicone-derived emollients [cyclomethicone, dimethicone, dimethicone copolyol.] This is used in products that make hair and skin smooth. It is an environmental concern as well as health concern. It is linked to tumors in lab tests, said to accumulate in liver and lymph nodes. I don’t know how it relates to the health of the planet, but this entire article is so vague you should probably just do your own research anyway. What is our obsession with being smooth?

10. Sodium lauryl (ether) sulfate [also called SLS, SLES, sodium dodecyl sulfate, sodium PEG lauryl sulfate, monododecyul ester, sodium PEG laureyl ether sulfate.] This makes products foamy. It is a known skin irritant that is easily absorbed through our biological shields. Foam is already pretty fun as it is, but knowing that is inherently dangerous makes it like a cute boy with a motorcycle.

11. Taic [also called French talc, cosmetic talc.] A powder used to absorb moisture, like in blushes, foundations, and deodorants. It is linked to ovarian cancer and is probably respiratory toxin!!!

12. Toluene [also called toluene -2,5-diamine, toluene-2,5-diamine sulfate, methylbenzene, toll, benzene, methyl.] Blah, blah, blah, possible hormone disrupter and known immune system toxicant. Sounds like a broken record.

13. Triclosan [Microban.] This is found in antibacterial soaps, hand sanitizers, face cleansers, and deodorants. It is a suspected carcinogen and “endocrine disruptor.”

I can’t tell what is real anymore. What is my purpose in life? Why did agriculture happen? What is progress? Most importantly, how will drag queens go on? We must do something about this gross infringement to our social grooming. Help.