My Kid Shouldn’t Have To Learn Spanish. Or Anything Else For That Matter.

The other day, I found out that my son Mason’s school is now requiring Spanish lessons for the normies. The normies of course being the non-disabled students, and if you object to the term “normies” I’ll have you know it’s the medical definition of the non-retarded and I’m going to continue to use it whether you PC assholes like it or not.

Luckily, as a retarded student, my son Mason will not have to learn Spanish and we can continue to live our lives as true American patriots, but as a mother and a woman with an opinion, I’m offended on behalf of the other parents at the school, whether they want me to be offended on their behalf or not. We’re forcing children to learn Spanish now? What’s next? Salsa dancing instead of math? Teachers are replaced by piñatas? Free burritos for every student and a queso-fountain in the commons area? All of that actually sounds great – but we know that’s not what’s next, and that’s kind of the problem. It just stops with learning Spanish, and that shit really burns my ass.

I mean come on, do children really need to be exposed to other cultures? I know this country is supposed to be a melting pot, but what the fuck is a melting pot? I don’t have one of those in my pantry. I don’t have a melting pot. I have regular pots, and in those pots I put carefully selected ingredients of specific proportions. I don’t just let a bunch of fucking Italians and Russians come into my kitchen and fuck up whatever I’m making with too much garlic salt or their bullshit ketchup mayonnaise. A melting pot sounds disgusting. That’s the kind of shit they give you in jail so you can make quesadillas out of Dorito crumbs and cigarette filters.

Learning shit is about the least American thing you can do, and learning Spanish of all things is about ten times worse. Even learning how to speak English properly is kind of a fucked up and an unpatriotic thing to do. In 2010, President Obama signed the Plain Writing Act, which bars government organizations from using overly-complicated language in either internal documents or communications with the public. That sent a clear message: in America, learning English is for immigrants. There’s a reason that free speech is protected by the first amendment. It’s probably the most significant and iconic of American ideals. And what better way to exercise your freedom of speech by specifically limiting your ability to communicate with certain people?

“I may not know what you’re saying, but I’ll defend to the death my right to complain about the language you’re saying it in.” – Voltaire, a TRUE American.
That’s why I don’t correct my son when he misspeaks. In fact I rarely correct him at all. I believe that he should be free-range, like a water-headed chicken, unmolded by my own perceptions (other than my xenophobia) and physically bound only by his diapers. I want my son to live as free and as complete of a life as possible. I want him to be able to go wherever he wants to go, and to say whatever he wants to say, as long as it’s in English. I don’t want the children of America (the white ones) being forced to learn Spanish to kowtow to the needs of (probably illegal) immigrants. I think maybe THEY should abandon THEIR language and learn the pattern of refined limbic grunts that people who looked like ME developed hundreds of years ago.

But when you really think about it, isn’t all knowledge, in a way, just another type of foreign language? Isn’t math just number Spanish? Isn’t science just chemical Spanish? Even grammar? That’s just teaching kids how to Spanish up their English with bullshit rules made up by some old English piece of shit that I would probably hate. So let’s take Spanish out of schools. In fact, let’s take our children out of schools. I don’t want my son learning anything, but especially not Spanish.