3 Foolproof Ways For Picking Up Super Freaking Hot Chicks

I can’t believe I have to actually spell this out for you, because it really is that easy. There are so many hot girls out there, it’s basically just a huge numbers game. Even if you totally strike out with nineteen out of twenty women, there’s still that one super hot chick that’s going to totally dig whatever it is that you’re into.

Of course, it isn’t as simple as approaching a ridiculously hot girl and opening your arms up for a hug. No, come on, she’s going to walk right past you. You’ve got to put a little effort into this. It’s like cooking. It’s like that thing that they say about omelets: if you want to make an omelet, you’ve got to open up that milk carton shaped eggbeater container and pour the pre-whisked yellow mixture into a bowl. Here are three tips (for the ladies, not for the omelets.)

1. Damsel in distress

Everybody’s already seen it in the movies. The guy wants to show some insanely hot lady how courageous and heroic he is. So he tells his friend to put on a ski mask and snatch her purse just as she’s rounding the corner. “Help! Someone! He took my purse!” That’s where the guy comes in and pretends to save the day. It works, and they wind up having like eight kids in some beautiful house out in Long Island.

But the real world is a little trickier. What if someone else tries to stop your friend and that person is a faster runner than you? What if that person is a cop? Or a crazy ex-marine just looking for any excuse to let loose a little bloodlust? No, there’s a reason this only works in the movies, it’s because there are too many real life variables that could throw a wrench in your plan. Like what if that lady and the ex-marine get married? Those are supposed to be your kids, your house on Long Island.

But it’s still a sound idea. You just have to make it a little less criminal. What I always do is, I wait until I see my lady crush holding a big stack of papers, or a bunch of heavy grocery bags. Yeah, you’ve got to follow her around for a little while, but she’ll eventually have to hold something heavy. That’s where your friend comes in. Have him bump into her really aggressively, causing her to drop everything. Then when she’s all like, “What the hell man?” have him say something really snotty, like, “Watch it toots!” Then you make your move.

Tell your friend something like, “You know, that really wasn’t very nice,” and then ignore him, instead turning all of your focus toward helping the potential mother of your children pick up all of that stuff all over the floor. She’ll fall in love with you within twenty-four hours, I’m not even kidding. This is everything that a super hot woman wants in a man, knowing how to quickly but nonviolently defuse a tense situation, all while maintaining a firm grasp of right and wrong. I’ve done this trick at least half a dozen times, and it’s never failed. Not once.

2. The Wonder Woman

This is basically the exact opposite of what I was talking about earlier. Instead of having some guy knock everything out of her hands, you just knock everything out of your own hands. Find a really hot chick. Make sure she’s coming your way. Find some gigantic box with tons of stuff in it. As soon as she gets close, pretend to trip, dropping the box, and all of your stuff with it.

Make sure all of the stuff is directly in her way, so she doesn’t just immediately walk around the huge mess you’ve made. Now get on the floor and start writhing in pain, make it look like you broke your ankle or something. She’ll have to help you out, it’s the decent thing to do. When she asks you if you’re OK, tell her that you don’t think so, that you heard a crack and you think your ankle is broken, that you need that box delivered immediately or you’ll lose your job.

When she starts helping you pick everything up, she’s going to start falling for you. It’s just like in Back to the Future, when Marty McFly drops out of that tree and causes the young version of his mom to fall in love with him. Most woman have this dual instinct where they first need to help people out, and then through the course of helping out, they wind up developing a strong emotional attachment toward whoever it is they’re helping.

Slowly get to your feet and make a big show, like you’re going to hobble on one foot to get that box to its destination. She’ll insist on carrying it for you. After a block or two of walking, lay off on the limp, tell her that it’s feeling a lot better, that maybe it’s not broken after all. Ask her out for a cup of coffee. In the extremely unlikely event that she says no, walk straight into a street-sign, re-dropping your box of stuff, giving her another opportunity for that nurture instinct to kick in. You guys are going to make a great couple.

3. Blind date

This one is a classic. Go onto any dating website and pick out the profile of the hottest girl you can find. Set up a date. On the big day, make sure that you’re ten to fifteen minutes late. But here’s the trick: pretend that you’re blind. Get a pair of thick sunglasses, find some sort of a cane, and apologize profusely for your tardiness.

She’s not going to mind. In fact, she’s going to be intrigued. She’s probably used to only dealing with guys that click on her profile because she’s really, really hot and has a super hot profile pic. But a blind guy? He can’t see what she looks like. Maybe she won’t feel as objectified. Maybe she’ll wonder if there’s some sort of an internal inner-beauty connection going on.

Of course you can’t exploit the whole blind thing forever. It’s wildly insensitive. Which is why, over the course of the date, keep fidgeting with your glasses, rubbing your eyes. Act like something really weird is happening. When the waitress at whatever coffee shop you’ve decided to meet at serves you your drink, take it from her hands before she has a chance to set it at the table.

Then say to your date, “I can’t believe it! I can see!” and act like how you’d imagine a blind person would act if all of the sudden they gained the sense of sight. Look into the eyes of the hot girl sitting across from you. Say in a really awe-struck voice, “You are more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.” And that’s it. She’ll think that love-at-first-site was powerful enough to overcome blindness. She’s yours. I haven’t done this one in a while because, I moved a while back, and I can’t seem to remember where I unpacked my cane, but I should go look for it, because this tip is gold.

And that’s it. Like I said, it’s a huge numbers game. If any of these tips don’t work the first time, just keep trying them out, over and over again, until you find the really hot chick that’s right for you. And don’t go changing anything, OK, just stick to the script. If it’s not happening right away, you’re probably doing something wrong. But with enough practice, you’ll master these techniques in no time. I promise.