5 Important Things You Need To Know About The Hobby Lobby Decision

Yesterday, the Supreme Court decided that Hobby Lobby, as a corporate entity that shares some of the same rights as individuals, has the ability to express its religious freedom by denying coverage of birth control pills for female employees due to religious objections.

This is truly a momentous occasion for those of us that love both God and money. Since their inception, corporations’ personhood has been hotly debated. Is a corporation a person? To what extent are they considered people? What rights do they have? Well, now we know. Not only are they people, but a corporation is capable of having faith. A corporation is capable of having prejudices that are protected by law.

Unfortunately, coverage of the ruling has been overrun with loaded, and frankly, incorrect information. Here’s some clarification on what this decision actually means for Hobby Lobby employees, you, and the future of law.

1. If you’re caught using birth control on the job, you’ll go to jail.

Because corporate property is now considered “Holy Land,” religious law applies. If a female employee of a devout corporation is caught using birth control, she is subject to the penalties determined by the religious institution that governs said corporation. If a Hobby Lobby employee were to be “found guilty” of using baby killing pills, she could potentially be summarily executed in the back of the store. It’s entirely at the discretion of the acting manager.

2. Managers are now allowed to demand sex from female employees.

When you understand a corporation as an individual in the eyes of both the church and the state, you must assign a gender to the corporation. I know this doesn’t seem very modern, considering we’re making a big effort to erase gender from actual people, but religion is not concerned with gender neutrality. So, we must assign a gender to the corporation. Are corporations male or female? You could argue that corporations were created and developed from the sacrifices of men (like Eve) and therefore corporations are inherently female, but we have to keep in mind that corporations do not play a subservient role to men. Men serve the corporations, much like men serve God. As men do not serve women in the scripture, this makes it impossible that corporations are female. Thus, it seems apparent that corporations are wholly male, designed in the image of the heavenly father.

As men, corporations do not have a female counterpart. There is no corporate Eve, only the population of female employees, who are subservient to the needs of the corporation as well. The female population of a corporation does not constitute “the corporate wife” however, but instead, a corporate female slave. A slave that may be either sold off or put to use. For the most part, this use manifests itself in menial labor at shitty wages, but in the eyes of the Lord, the corporation may demand sex from it’s female employees, and the corporation itself, incapable of sex considering it is essentially a stack of tax forms and a bank account, will manifest said sex through the genitals of its male employees.

3. Corporations are now allowed to kill gay people.

It’s called Sharia Law, and now it’s corporate policy at Hobby Lobby. I know it’ll be hard for an arts and crafts store to stay in business if they keep killing all their gay employees, but it’s that’s the rules in the eyes of the Lord. Because it’s employees are only part of the whole, the homosexual employees represent the latent gay desires of the Hobby Lobby. How will Hobby Lobby go to heaven if it doesn’t rid itself of it’s homosexual impulses?

4. Hobby Lobby sells something called “colored” pencils.

Really? Wow, this one has nothing to do with religion, it’s just racist. SMDH.

5. Hobby Lobby sells papier-mache materials, which can be used to construct a bust of Adolf Hitler.

You can also use string and paperclips to create a working jaw, make the Hitler talk, and use it to yell at your minority employees. This is not only allowed, it’s encouraged, and all of the employees are required to pay a tribute to the Paper Hitler out of every paycheck.