10 People Who Really Need To STFU

In my opinion, there are a lot of people on this planet that need to STFU. But since all our time, yours and mine, is precious I wanted to limit this list to these ten flagrant examples that all clearly need to STFU.

1. Ann Coulter

Yes. You knew she’d be at the top of this list if you follow the internet/Twitter/news-cycle at all. The tall blonde walking contraceptive got the world talking about her again because she said *gasp* Americans don’t love the World Cup and will never love soccer. Also, of course, she used coded language to make it a dig at the immigration issue. Oh, Ann. When will you STFU? The fact someone pays Ann Coulter for her opinions, let alone believes anyone else wants to hear her (“look, I yelled fire-in-a-theater”) imitation of thoughts is truly the best evidence of the decaying of America.

2. George F. Will

Once upon time America loved George F Will. He wrote a book about baseball that made a lot of men and women go, “Aww, this book makes me emotional about baseball, what a great guy.” Then he squandered all that goodwill for George F Will. At this point, he belongs in the Goodwill, because he’s tired, his thinking is threadbare, and he smells like mothballs and old people clothing. (Anyone who’s been around the man recently can confirm this.) Recently, George F Will lent his voice to the debate about rape culture, in particular, whether or not the incidence of campus rape is blown out of proportion and he suggested that we now give so much attention to victims, young women are lining up to get some of that sweet, sweet rape attention because then they can use it for power. This is what happens when an enfeebled old school male mind tries to grapple with the many dynamics of the modern world and the thinking of women decades younger than him. He assumes they would want to claim rape to gain power. Hey, George, everyone else is way too nice to say it to your face, and I don’t know where your work, otherwise, I’d come down to that men’s room and tell you myself: STFU!!

3. Dick Cheney

Don’t worry, I’m not political. I hate Democrats and Republicans with equal zeal. I say they’re all brotherfuckers in my book. But atop that pile of swine stands one piggy that needs to quit squealing. We heard enough from you, Dick. After orchestrating our ongoing Middle East debacle and crafting an Afghanistan policy that’s been basically, “bomb everything we can’t sell as a drug,” he has the actual gall to say that President Obama is mishandling (the clean-up of) civil strife around the region. You made the president spend half his time playing the global garbage man for a mess you made, nee, orchestrated, and you wanna say the world looks like a trash heap and smells like shit? Oh, Dick. I’m gonna enjoy this one: STFU!!!

4. Friends Who Are Still Sending Candy Crush Invitations on Facebook

Look, Eugene, I appreciate that you want me to have some fun in my downtime, and that you’re enjoying a game and thought I might also dig it. Nice thought, man. But I think it’s safe to say that, at this point, anyone who is not already playing Candy Crush has no fucking interest in playing that stupid-ass game, so stop sending me your goddamn invites before I start sending you things in the mail like rotten eggs. I know where you live, Eugene! I will do it – you know I will!

5. And This Goes Double For LinkedIn Invites

For the love of all things holy and non-corporate, please understand that I made certain life choices, ones that brought me to where I am, and I would think that the sum total of my life decisions up to this point would clearly indicate that I have no fucking interest in linking my profile on some glorified bulletin board. Ask Eugene if I’m kidding about the rotten eggs. I know where you live, Sandra!

6. Alex Jones

What the fuck is this guy’s deal? He takes something that is actually of great importance to the functioning of our democracy, a popular voice of dissent, and he uses it to scare white people into buying gold and guns and convinces them to hole-up and wait for the black helicopters to show up with UN troops that will escort them to their “sheeple” processing facility before they’re rendered as I don’t know food for the shape-shifting aliens that secretly run the British monarchy and thus, the world! I can’t keep up with the layers of bullshit – they’re just piled on top of each other all willy-nilly, and they call it alternative journalism. Some of it, I’m sure is correct. I’m sure there are stories they’ve discovered about governmental cover-ups that are absolutely accurate. But the problem is all the other speculation and bullshit sideshow theatrics turn the whole journalistic enterprise into a shit-storm of ridiculous proportions. And, I’m just gonna say it. Wouldn’t Alex Jones be like the perfect CIA-stooge? He’s, like, America’s version of a banana republic dictator, propped up and kept in place as a tool of distraction and a focal point for the people. But what do I know? I just think he needs to STFU and maybe let some other fringe journalists get some of that spotlight.

7. Dan Snyder

The owner of the Redskins. Do I even need to say it? Let’s say I made a t-shirt for the Detroit Niggers versus the Washington Redskins in the Super Bowl and I wore this shirt around … then would you understand that they are equally offensive, if it were placed in the right context? Or how about the San Francisco Yellowskins versus… look, just STFU! And change the goddamn name, Daniel!

8. Camille Paglia

We get it. You’ve completely lost touch with the culture, so now you and Ann Coulter take turns with relay stick of who can say the most shocking thing and then stand by it like that asshole dude everyone hates at the party, but because you’re a brilliant woman who’s been fighting for respect your whole life and who happens to have inflammatory opinions you act as if this shit you’re peddling these days is not all just cheap theatrics and you want us to believe these are your real and valid critical opinions. Cool. I have some of your books. You used to slay the cultural curmudgeons and harmful hypocrites. Used to. But Camille, you’ve lost touch and you need to STFU.

9. The Silicon Valley

You motherboardfuckers are ruining the world as you race us headlong into some horrible final showdown against total robot domination. Like nerds with their handmade toys, you know, the real curious ones that blow up the town’s power grid because they’re playing with some new invention they assembled in the garage but they don’t fully understand, you assholes are so proud of yourselves you won’t listen to anyone else until we’re literally eating our own feces with our hands while we’re on the run from killer robots. What then, Sergey? Look, I love technology, more than the next guy – no, seriously, fuck the next guy and give me a goddamn flying car — but I don’t trust you Silicon Valley hacks to ever give us the future we want because you’re too busy building the future you want and frankly I know you don’t like the rest of us very much. So next time you wanna come out of your bubble of self-importance so you can get an ego handjob from an auditorium of sycophants while you earn your $250K speaking fee as you tell us about the glorious future you’re building (for yourself and people like you) I’m gonna be in the front row so I can shout so you really hear me … STFU!!!

10. Me

And to all the other blowhards like me. Occasionally, make sure you have something to say before you start bellowing, because often it feels like we internet bloviators like to hear ourselves more than we always have some genius to spread. Check what you have to say and try to push the dialog along, yo. So, you know, me… STFU!