11 Things You Learn From Watching Porn From Around The World

Do you like sex? Of course you do, you’re a human being looking at the Internet. Well, thanks to you and the Internet we’ve erected a comprehensive and rather graphic database of the sexual habits of nearly every culture on Earth (at least the cultures willing to upload porn online). For instance, on your average everyday porn “tube” channel you can select vids from hundreds of categories. Let’s say you select the category labeled Office, a grouping of all the white collar work-themed porn one could imagine, and then contrast that vid against videos you select from categories labeled College, Outdoors/Nature, or Bukkake, and you’ll quickly notice how each video highlights different aspects of sex. Ultimately, when you compare Bukkake vids to Office porn it feels like comparing apples and airplanes – the common aspect is that humans will pay for the pleasure of an apple or an airplane.

But let’s say you select a common theme such as nationality/culture. Now we’re talking. Suddenly, and quite easily, you start to make all sorts of interesting observations. For instance, when you compare porn videos labeled Japanese with videos labeled German, Russian, Israeli, and Hawaiian, the cultural preferences of each culture become self-evident.

To begin with, there are the obvious cultural distinctions such as how Brazil is the Texas of ass — they firmly believe the bigger, the better. When you watch sex from around the globe other less obvious observations also come to the fore, such as: Japanese men are really into the idea of having sex on a bus.

This observation makes sense when you consider how much time is spent commuting in Tokyo. The constant crowding forces strangers to rub up against each other like in a subway car or a bus. Naturally, sexual tension builds. Japanese bus porn offers a release in the form of fantasy. You see? All sorts of cultural insights become clear when you consider what a nation of people like in their pornography.

Here are a few others:

1. Italy is all about anal sex.

It seems the glut of Italian-language anal sex porn is directly due to the Vatican. The history of the Catholic Church has given rise to an anal sex culture. Really, what is anal sex but the world’s perfect birth control? “Butt babies” may be fun to say but I’ve yet to meet one. The beauty of anal sex, other than the tight squeeze, is the 100% guarantee of having sex without a chance of a baby. This is perfect for the Catholic looking to avoid abortion. It’s a way to fuck and stay in the good graces of the Lord. Here comes Jesus and anal sex to the rescue! Also, speaking of Catholics, there are a lot of vids that feature a nun getting fucked, or a priest fucking a schoolgirl, or a nun teaching a schoolgirl how to fuck a priest. Clearly, the Italians are all screwed up about sex and the church. They might as well drop the act and just film pornography in churches. I’m sure that would be considered blasphemous! But when it’s a fake confessional booth on a porn set, then the nun getting double-teamed by two muscular priests is just kinky. That’s Italy for you. They always want to bend a rule or get an exemption … from laws they invented. Sometimes it seems like they invent rules just so they have a reason to have anal sex.

2. Germany likes to swing and is always down for a gang-bang.

What is it with Germans and gang-bangs? Is it part of the socialist character in the culture? Is finding a German who will lay down for some sex so difficult that when it happens word spreads and soon enough the couple is surrounded by frightfully pale masturbating men? Whatever it is, Germans love their group sex. They go for swinger scenes, wife-swaps, gang-bangs of their elders; it doesn’t matter gay or straight, they enjoy a hot mass of bodies. Based solely on their porn, you begin to understand how the National Socialists seized the German imagination right where it hurts – they like to be stimulated as a group, they get off on a union of the people; this seems true for their politics and for group sex. You’d think Germans would dominate the BDSM vid scene. And sure, they do represent with good numbers, but their real forte is filling all available holes with a good old German gang-bang.

3. The Czech Republic likes hookers that look like their neighbors/girl they work with.

The biggest trend out of the Central European nation is street sex. Guys will film themselves having sex with a woman they paid money to fuck them. But the viewer is supposed to believe she’s not a prostitute – because she never does this. The woman puts up the pretense that this is all unfamiliar territory to her, and that she has a boyfriend, until eventually, she’s fucking in a public restroom like it’s her job. Yet, from the look on her face you can see she’s already thinking about what she’s going to make for dinner. Nothing says sexy like filming yourself fucking a bored hooker in a public restroom. Apparently, in Central European nations like the Czech Republic everyone has their price. It’s like there is a culture of sexual corruption. But it’s kept alive with a far friendlier question, a variation on that famous ad campaign: “What would you do for a Klondike Bar?” The common assumption that “everyone has their price” and the resultant approach to life may be a relic of Soviet-era corruption, or perhaps, it’s just part of their Bohemian charm.

4. Japanese sex seems the most animalistic and savage based on whimpers of the women.

The vast social stereotype is that Asian men are not sexually aggressive; also, it’s assumed they’re not well-endowed. I don’t know if that shit’s true or not. I don’t sleep with Asian men. But I tend not to believe “common wisdom,” and in this case, it seems racist as all hell. I’ve known plenty of women who slept with lots of Asian men and they never complained to me, not like they’ve complained about white men not knowing a goddamn thing about cunnilingus. So, if we’re basing our opinions of sexual potency based on what others say about the stereotypes of a group of …. but I digress. Based solely on Japanese porn, clearly the stereotypes of Asian men are wrong. Those fuckers are aggressive as a boatload of sailors on shore leave. Men in Japan will readily finger a woman to climax, they eat pussy like they like it, they bring vibrators to bed for sex play, and when they fuck they’re all over the place, position-wise. But the weirdest thing to me is how the women all tend to whimper and whine instead of moan and groan like western women. The women, even the ones labeled Japanese MILFS and Japanese MATURE, they still whimper like teen girls. Clearly, the domination, submission, jungle aspect of sex and fantasy is alive and well in Japanese culture. Who knew they were so savage?

5. USA likes whatever a dollar can buy – especially big, dyed and fake … or an amateur!

This one feels obvious. American porn is like visiting a department store. There is porn for every size, shape, color and taste. You like BBW? Okay! Here you go! You like SBBW? Well, damnit then these women are for you! You like Ebony SBBW? No problem! Here you go? You like Mature Ebony SBBW gang-banged in a barn by bikers? Oh sure. Here are 3,876 titles that fit that search criteria. If someone will get naked or have sex with someone or something, right this minute there’s an American out there filming it, and it’ll be uploaded later tonight. America porn is the physical manifestation of the Internet’s Rule 34: If it exists, there is porn of it. Humans will fuck a stapler. Which is why, anyone, with even a cursory understanding of the American porn market, would surely notice the two great trends in American culture come into glaring relief in our pornography. We like fake and we like amateurs. We want to see first-times, porn audition tapes, backroom sex-capades, and we love when a Florida prostitute will pretend to be a lost innocent woman that casually decides to have sex with strangers for money in the back of a van nicknamed The Bangbus. Americans love that kind of plot development in their porn. Americans also tend to prefer fake anything. Nikki Minaj is basically the ideal for the American porn industry. If it’s store-bought, or the person’s “first-time,” Americans really like to see what sex their money can buy.

6. Mexico has a thing for transvestite prostitutes and secret gay sex encounters.

This was kinda surprising, but there is a huge trove of videos of Mexican men having sex with a transvestite prostitute, or a transgender woman, or with a hermaphrodite. As long as the person could be described with the horribly blunt term, “a chick with a dick,” it seems to be a hot commodity on the Mexican porn market. Well, at least, far more than anywhere else in the world. Maybe that’s a result of all the adoration of Mary the mother of Jesus. Or maybe, it’s more normal in Mexico and the Caribbean. Let’s not forget, they have those werewolf-faced people. You’ll see a young guy who looks like Teen Wolf out there dancing on Sabado Gigante, shaking his sex vibe, wearing an open, button-down shirt like he’s a Guadalajaran pimp. And that’s totally normal. Mexico is kinda weird sexually. They also have a lot of under-aged porn. There’s a lot of “man and a teen girl” sex scenes. Is this due to the machismo of the culture? Is it the fault of the church and the sexualization of the “purity” of children and teens? Or is it part of quinceanera culture – that dictates that once a girl turns fifteen she’s now a woman in the eyes of the culture?  Whatever it is, they sex up teen girls like they’re afraid the girls are gonna go rotten.

7. Israelis seem to make more gay porn than straight porn … like way more!

It’s way easier to find videos of two (or more) Israeli “soldiers” willing to get naked and put the “Big O” in Golan Heights than it is to find Israeli women willing to fuck on-camera. Somehow, I think this surprises no one. Jewish women, by and large, are not known as members of a sexually aggressive culture. They don’t typically show off their attractions. In fact the words Israeli and porn don’t quite sound like they belong together. That’s not to say Israelis don’t watch or make porn. They do. But based on their online presence, the term “Israeli porn” sounds more like a clever euphemism for a few boxes of expensive high heels. Manolo Blahniks – that sounds like Israeli porn. I don’t know. Clearly, Israeli women fuck. They just don’t like to do it on camera. Now, gay Israeli men, on the other hand, they will gladly drop their pants for some porn. There’s even a subset of what should be called camo-porn. The category features plenty of vids of Israeli men dressed as soldiers, dropping their fatigues and going balls-deep into some sweet Palestinian dude’s ass. I think that really speaks for itself.

8. Unsurprisingly, the French like to fuck everywhere, in a camper, in the barn, wherever.

Of course, France. Just of course. You have to live up to your stereotype. Apparently, the French find everything and everywhere sexy. They will have sex in a car park. They will have sex on a barn fence, in an attic crawl space, on their teen son’s bed, up against a doghouse or on top of the kitchen table. French porn actors and actresses look like they’ve never heard of weights or gyms or diets or working out. They’re just bodies, pushing in and out of one another with a certain boredom that the act of sex is meant to alleviate but too often fails to replace their encroaching sense of ennui. The French could not be more like themselves if they tried.

9. Russians are the biggest producers of “incest porn.”

I worry about the Russians. Their porn video quality is often no better than their dashboard camera crash footage. It’s like they take the camera out of their shitty car and into their shitty house and film some shitty sex with their shitty cousin. Oh yeah! That’s like their thing. Russians have a really disproportionate amount of incest porn. Let’s hope it’s not real, and it’s just labeled that way for the sake of being kinky. But still that’s kind of like the final frontier of taboos with living sex partners. Incest is a tough kink. But based on the vids they post, Russian will “incest” anything. Mother-and-son. Father-and-daughter. Mother-and-daughter. Mother-and-son-and-daughter. Brother-and-sister. Brother-and-sister-and-donkey. It does not matter the family relations, according to the marketing of Russian porn, they will fuck each other. It must be the intolerably bad weather and the limited contact with the outside world. In tropical places, teenage boys might fuck a chicken. In colder places, like Scotland or Armenia, teen boys might fuck a sheep or a goat. No one is recommending any of these acts of sexual desperation, but they happen. According to Russian-language porn, their teenage boys have no need for their barnyard animals when their cousin, or sister, or mother, are all fair game.

If you judged humanity solely on what we do with our dicks, we would not rate well as a species. It’s a damn good thing we’re convinced our position at the top of the food chain is based on our brains and not on what we do with our dicks, otherwise, we’d be fucked.

10. Arab world is big on anal sex. (This was surprising. But, then again, not really.)

Much like with the Italians, religion seems to shape the sexual habits of the Arab world. You’ll notice straight off, other than the whole “you should wear the veil while we fuck” kink that’s common as fake tits in American porn, there is a prevalence of anal sex in porn labeled Arab. It’s only rivaled by the Italians. In the Arab world, apparently, remaining a vaginal virgin is kind of a big deal. That makes sense. That’s where the baby-making happens. Which means, for Arab women and men, anal sex is like a cultural past-time. Teens, adults, young lovers, matures, it does not matter. Arabs are ass fucking! One has to assume this isn’t in response to the climate and instead to the religious restrictions. Who knows? I got bored of Arab porn because the video quality was always shitty. It’s like, hey, Arab world, maybe spend some oil money on personal electronics. Then you could make some porn that won’t embarrass you on the world stage. While you’re at it, tell the Russians! Their video quality is just as terrible. Every porn vid from Russia or the Arab world looks like a ransom video. It looks like someone borrowed the camera from their big brother the terrorist.

11. English people seem to prefer to fuck when they’re drunk.

I don’t know if this a cultural stereotype based on the Brits love of the bottle or if it’s due to the conservative and apologetic nature of their society, but it seems like Brits have to get sloshed to pull their dick out or drop their panties. It seems to take a pint of the good stuff to get an Englishman to lose his inhibitions – the poor bastards. No wonder all the cools ones come to the States. From what I can tell from English porn, the whole bad teeth thing is wildly exaggerated. They don’t have bad teeth, they have terrible teeth. Each mouth looks like a cave filled with tea-stained stalagmites and stalactites. No wonder they’re hesitant to fuck each other. They’re shy to kiss. Can you blame them? Not to mention their music is mostly so-so, unless it’s inspired by the American blues. Their food doesn’t exactly raise pulses. Except for the eccentrics, their clothing is drab and layered. They have good reasons to never fuck one another. Yet, they press on in that admirably British way. The sexiest Brits these days are all the sons and daughters of immigrants and their porn reflects this. You have the lads and ladettes style of whiskey-dick amateur porn with Pebble-tooth Lucy and Wall-eyed Wallace and then there’s the more professional, slick and somewhat sexy porn vids that stars immigrants’ kids.

My girlfriend is the scientist in the house, so please don’t think any of this was scientifically constructed. It was just scientifically observed. But I still contend that you can learn a lot about a culture when the people take their clothes off and bump uglies.