Sir, Do You Normally Keep A Gun In Your Butt?

Have you ever had one of those days? You know, the kind where it feels like nothing’s going your way … and before you know it, you’re pulling a gun out from between your butt cheeks and firing it at cops. No? You haven’t? Well, I guess I haven’t either. But this guy has.

Meet Isaac Vigil, 32-year-old Denver resident and butt-gun enthusiast.

On May 14, Vigil was minding his own business, smoking some meth in a McDonald’s parking lot when along came two dudes who wanted to harsh his high. Of course, that’s kind of their job – they’re cops. In this instance, it was two detectives from Denver PD Narcotics Division. That was a bit a bad luck for Ike Vigil. Then things went from bad to worse.

He was arrested for possession of drug paraphernalia. He was wanted on a warrant for assault, felony menacing and possessing a weapon. Seeing his freedom slipping from his grip, Ol’ Ike Vigil didn’t take the news of his arrest too well. He began to thrash and fight the arresting officers.

As Hunter S. Thompson once told us, “You can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on a drug…” The poor Denver detectives didn’t have a chance to do that. They were staring the drug right in its paranoid eyes. Then it attacked them. The detectives called for a uniformed officer to bring a squad car with a cage in back.

Once he was cuffed and arrested, Ol’ Ike Vigil wanted the cops to know he was not a man to be trifled with. He threatened to shoot them. He said he did not want to go back to prison. He told them he wanted to die. Of course, all of those statements could be chalked up to his final admission to police: He’d been up smoking meth for three days. If anything will make you wanna shoot cops and die, it’s smoking meth for three days.

Despite the fact Vigil told the police he’d like to shoot them and despite the fact they searched him three times before returning him to the back of the patrol car, somehow the Denver detectives missed the gun hidden in Ol’ Ike Vigil’s butt. You see, he’d secretly placed a Raven P25 Auto .25 handgun between his butt cheeks. I mean, who hasn’t tucked a gun in their ass when they’re on their way to McDonald’s to smoke some meth in the parking lot? No? No one? Yeah, me neither.

What all of this makes me wonder — about him and other criminals like him — couldn’t he have stayed home and sucked chemicals from a glass dick or a broken lightbulb or whatever instrument he preferred? Why was he hot-boxing meth in a parking lot? Did he have to meet his dealer and then one thing led to another? I guess on day three it’s like: Fuck it – wheels up! We flyin’ now!

By the time the squad car arrived at the police station, it seems Ol’ Ike Vigil had come up with one more brilliant idea he wanted to try before his day was done. He’d hatched a plan to win back his freedom.

At first, Vigil refused to get out of the back of the squad car. (This would not have been a problem for LAPD. I’m just sayin’). Keep in mind, the dude is handcuffed with a gun in his butt. As the arresting officers tried to convince him to get out of the back of their squad car, like a meth-smoking master magician, Ol’ Ike Vigil teased his gat out from his ass crack, took aim, and tried to blast his way out. He fired twice at the cops.

This had to surprise them that he wanted to get into a gunfight in a police station. Apparently, math and odds aren’t his forté. The gunfight didn’t last long. The cops shot him — twice. I guess the cops had far better aim. Or maybe it was due to Vigil being handcuffed, the fact his gun jammed after his two shots, and that he was likely still in the back of the squad car; that all might have had something to do with it. But the physical facts are clear: Vigil sustained injuries to his stomach.

He’s been charged with attempted murder of two police officers, which as you can imagine is not something judges are really into. His is pretty much an open-shut case since he’s a convicted felon and was not supposed to have a gun in his ass, or really anywhere else, and he discharged a gun where there were plenty of cameras at the cop shop. He’s likely to see expedient justice.

It seems, to this humble reporter that the perp-of-the-week, the poster boy for all the places meth can take you, ‘Ol Ike Vigil has provided the Denver PD good cause to review their search procedures.

According to the police report, the arresting detectives missed not only the gun Vigil used to shoot at them, they also overlooked the two baggies of meth he’d secreted away in his ass like he had a magic handbag hidden between his butt-cheeks. I like to imagine Vigil’s train of thought, just before he got caught, as he sat in his car with his pipe in hand and thin fingers of chemical smoke circling past his neck tattoo:

I need to go. It’s getting late. Let’ s see. Is everything in my ass? Gun? Check. Both baggies of meth? Check. Car keys … car keys … where did I put my car keys? Oh! They’re still in the ignition. Aw, shit! Is that a cop car?

Normally, you’d expect a tale of such stupid decisions from a resident of Florida, or maybe, drug mules flying into JFK with cocaine stashed in their bee-hive hairdos; it wouldn’t be farfetched to hear that this happened in a Waffle House parking lot, but one never expects to hear this happened in a McDonald’s parking lot in Colorado. Well, I guess the rumors are true. Meth is now a problem for stupid criminals everywhere.

I think the most important lesson to pull from ‘Ol Ike Vigil and his magical, wondrous emporium of an ass is painfully clear: Don’t smoke meth … in the parking lot of a McDonald’s. That’s where cops hang-out. Go smoke your meth in the parking lot of a vegan Indian food restaurant where you won’t run in to any hungry cops.