I Don’t Think I’m Asking For Too Much Here

I just wish that every once in a while the bank would make an error in my favor, just like in Monopoly, like one day I’d wake up and I’d get an email, and it would say it, word for word, however it is that it’s written on that Monopoly card, “Hey Rob, there’s been a bank error in your favor. Take fifty bucks.” Only I want it to be like a thousand bucks. How does that work anyway? The bank makes an error in my favor and they don’t want the money back? They let you keep it?

It’s like, you know how sometimes you crack an egg and you get two yolks? Just once, I’d love to buy a dozen eggs, and I’d crack them open, and all of them would have two, three yolks in each egg. I’d cook breakfast for everyone and people would be like, “Wow, Rob, you really went nuts on the eggs, good job man.” And I’d just smile, like you guys don’t even know, and I didn’t break even one, they all stayed perfectly intact, twelve textbook sunny-side up eggs, thirty-six golden liquid yolks.

Why can’t they ever just give me two towels at the gym? I see people all the time grabbing more than one, yet every time I even reach out my arm toward the towel rack, the guy behind the desk is like, “Hey buddy, you see the sign, right? Tell you me don’t see the sign, it’s right there. You need help? Reading? You need me to help you read the sign?” And I want the conversation to just be over with, but no, he keeps talking, he reads it for me, “It says, ‘one towel per gym member per visit.’ You got that? You need help translating that sign?” And I’m just like, all right, one towel, fine, even though they’re so small, and by the time I’m off the treadmill, the machine is soaked, the towel is soaked, and then I get all these looks from everyone when I’m using that wet towel to just move around the sweat, like it’s clearly not doing anything. Just give me two towels.

You know what would be cool? If the radio DJ would just play my request, just once. I mean come on, you used to play Silverchair on the radio, why can’t you play them again? Just once, right? It’s like, come on, nobody even listens to the radio anymore. Do you want to me to keep tuning in? Because I have that Silverchair CD on my computer, OK, I don’t need you to play it for me. It would just be cool, to call in to a radio station and have the DJ not just be totally dismissive. Like, “All right, next up, a special request from listener Rob!” is that really that big of a deal? You can’t even play me one song on the radio?

And why doesn’t Dunkin Donuts do a baker’s dozen? Can’t I get an extra donut? I’ve walked past you guys at the end of the night, don’t think I don’t see all of those donuts you’re just tossing straight in the trash. You don’t think I would have eaten that? I mean, not stale and in the trash, but fresh, just give me an extra donut, OK, that’s what baker’s do, why do you have to buck tradition? Isn’t that something worth keeping around?

And can’t you just give me the employee discount? If you’re going to sell something at a discount price to one person, I don’t understand why you won’t give it to me. I’ll buy it, just not for list price. And why can’t I combine friends and family discounts with the employee discount?

And can’t I have a little extra chicken in my salad? No, I don’t want an additional side of chicken, just a little extra chicken, just a little bit, not a full side.

Not another Coke, just give me a splash, just something to wet my whistle, don’t charge me, come on dude, I’d do it for you, I’m not asking for too much here.