11 Brutally Foul Smells Guaranteed To Ruin Your Life Forever

1. Cigarette breath / smoker’s breath

Your friend walks in after a 5-10 minute smoke break. He walks in with a smile, his yellowing teeth are bared. He asks you what you thought of last night’s game. As the words enter your ears, something hits you from the front. You can’t focus because his breath is foul. It enters your nose, tearing at your fragile, thin flesh. Thoughts race through your head. What is this smell? What did he eat? Why does his breath smell so bad? It dawns on you. He sucked down some smoke to terrorize your sense of smell. Your paranoia sets in. This is how friendships end.

Retching level: ★★★☆☆

2. Febreze after a ripe bathroom session

You enter the bathroom after your roommate. The smell hits you 3 feet away from the door. It’s ripe. It’s foul. You try to breathe through your mouth, but you’re scared poop particles will enter and give you some disease of the mouth. Nose it is. Wait, what’s that? There’s another layer below that intense shit smell your roommate left behind. You try to take short, quick breaths. It’s Febreze. Your nose tries to splice the fecal molecules from the Febreze. You’re almost there. It’s tart. It’s fresh. It’s grapefruit. Your roommate sprayed the bathroom with Febreze Grapefruit Fizz. Why? Why would your roommate do that? It did nothing to diminish that god-awful scent they left behind. You gag. You promise to get a good job so that you’ll never live with a roommate again.

Retching level: ★★★★☆

3. Mildew from leaving your clothes in the washing machine for too long

You have no clothes — where’s your favorite shirt? Oh, that’s right. It’s in the washing machine. You walk to the basement and realize that you forgot to put the clothes into the dryer. It’s been a week. You decide to take a whiff to see if the clothes smell alright. You put your favorite shirt to your face. You freeze. Your nose has been violated. Your vision goes dark. What is this smell? Mildew. Goddamn mildew. You regain your vision and run upstairs to the washroom. You turn on the faucet to rinse your face. You can still smell it. God save your soul.

Retching level: ★★★☆☆

4. Coffee breath

You’re at a café listening to some indie band playing softly over the speakers. In your hand is your smartphone. You are in the middle of texting your friend about your day. You look up from the table to see this gorgeous barista checking you out. You smile. The barista smiles back. You look down at your phone. You have to update your Facebook about this. While writing your status, someone walks up to you. It’s the barista. “Hey,” the barista says and takes that open seat next to you. “Hi,” you manage to say. “How do you like the coffee,” the barista asks. You wrinkle your nose. What’s going on? You say, “It’s delicious,” but your voice falters. That smell, whatever it is, has made you weak. “Oh, good, I just started yesterday,” the barista says with a smile. That smell hits you again. Oh my god, that voice in your head screams. It’s that motherfucker. You hold your breath. Tears are forming in your eyes. “Oh, I can’t tell,” but your voice trails off. “Well, I’ll leave you to it,” the barista says, oblivious to that disgusting coffee breath coming out between those lips. “Okay, good,” you say. But the barista doesn’t hear you. This is so going to be a Facebook update.

Retching level: ★★★★☆

5. Wet dog

Dogs are incredible. They’re our best friends, protectors, and source of entertainment. They bring us joy. They bring us happiness. Except when it rains. The rain pours outside your parents’ house. You are visiting for Easter weekend. “Ah, this ruins the egg hunt,” your mother says. Who gives a fuck, you think in your head. I fucking hate my annoying bitch-ass cousins. You’re secretly happy it’s started to rain. “Aw geez, mom, I was really looking forward to hunting eggs,” you lie to your loving mother. There is movement outside. From the corner of your eye, you see something dart towards to doggie door. “No!” you shout, but it’s too late. Your dog, a shaggy golden retriever has run outside, barking at whatever it is. The rain continues to pour. You open the door to look for your dog. It is by the fence, barking at something. “Come back here,” you shout. The dog looks back at you. Fuck you, it seems to say. You ain’t my master, you short-ass fugly punk. “Go get him,” your mom says. “But it’s raining outside, are you serious?” you say, but you know there’s no fighting it. You run outside, barefoot, in the soaking wet grass. You can feel the cold rain soak through your shirt. The dog, now by the shed, looks at you while panting. It has a smile on its face. You silly dumbass. “Come on, let’s go inside,” you say, pointing at the house. The dog runs towards the house. You give chase. Once indoors, there is a metallic and funky smell. You look down at the dog. It looks at you. Then it shakes its body and you feel the water — mixed with dog hair, dog oil, and dog dead skin — hit your face and your clothes. The smell lingers. Damn it all.

Retching level: ★★☆☆☆

6. Stale piss

You’re in a New York subway somewhere in Brooklyn. The express stops on the upper level and the local stops on the lower level. You are on the platform going towards Manhattan. There is a shrill noise indicating where the train is coming. The arrow flashes lower level. You walk towards the stairs and a sharp smell attacks your nose. As the train approaches, the wind picks up, and with it, the smell. It’s piss. It’s stale piss. You cough. You can feel it enveloping your entire body. It’s as if someone is throwing cold pee on you. The cold air wraps around your ankles and your neck. You close your mouth tight and hold your breath. You make it down the stairs, but the smell is still there. It greets your nose. The piss smell dances around your nostrils and settles deep in your lungs. No matter what you do, you’re in the air that piss touched. The train comes to a full stop. You enter. You sigh in relief and take a deep breath. Wait, the train smells faintly of stale piss. New York really sucks.

Retching level: ★★★★☆

7. Anything while under a hangover

It’s well-past noon, and you finally wake up. You really shouldn’t have had that extra shot, but you did it anyway. So much for your New Year’s resolution. You open your eyes. The room is spinning. Oh Jesus fuck. You get up from your bed, taking extra care to not make any sudden movements. That head of yours is pounding and your stomach feel unsettled. It’s a ticking time bomb and if you do anything, you know you’ll spill what you had last night all over yourself. Something your friend told you a long time ago back in college suddenly comes to your head. “Fresh air cures everything.” You’re desperate to feel better. You walk to the window and slowly, meticulously open it. A faint rotting smell from the dumpster wafts in from below. Holy fuck. You can’t take it anymore and let the contents of last night loose all over the sidewalk below. Pretty sure your lease won’t get renewed.

Retching level: ★★★★★

8. Callery Pear Trees

Your parents are visiting for the weekend and you’ve decided to take them around for a walk. When they arrive, they tell you how much they’ve missed you and that they are really hungry for that burger place you’ve been clamoring about on Facebook. You tell them it’s a short walk and “it does you good to stretch your legs once in a while.” Your mom shrugs. Your dad is indifferent. The three of you walk down and out of the building. You decide to take them on a scenic route — after all, you want to catch up with them and enjoy the nice day. Your mom immediately accosts you about your relationships. Your dad has his hands in his pockets and hasn’t made a peep. Halfway to the burger shop, you smell something interesting. What is this smell? It’s so familiar, but you can’t place your finger on it. Is it bleach? Is it chlorine? “Why does it smell like cum?” your dad asks your mom. Oh shit. You freeze. He’s right. It smells like semen. You catch your mom’s eye. You look down at the ground. Fuck my life.

Retching level: ★★☆☆☆ + ★ for awkwardness

9. Spoiled milk

“Always smell your milk before you drink it,” your grandmother told you. God bless her. What she didn’t mention was the stench of curdled, rotting milk that will burn itself into your brain-folds, forever ruining milk for you. You have no choice but to take a trip down memory lane. It was 9 years ago — you were still growing up to be that person you are today. You opened the fridge for that delicious milk your mother bought fresh from the green market two weeks ago. You take the container and take a whiff — something’s not right. You are tearing up. Bile comes creeping up your throat. Your brain shuts down and is unable to process the horror you just went through. It’s not over yet. The smell has buried itself into your nose. You breathe away from the milk container. In and out, in and out, as fast as you can, but it’s not enough. You’re feeling light-headed. Never again.

Retching level: ★★★★☆

10. Old tuna fish

Your favorite sandwich used to be tuna salad on white bread. You went to Jimmy Johns and ordered their tuna fish sandwich — you thought it was the best. One particular day, you were exceptionally hungry and bought two tuna fish sandwiches. You ate in your car, finished one, opened the second and halfway through, you finally felt full. You wrapped the sandwich back into its wrapper and threw it behind you, next to your backpack. You get home, you take your backpack out, but not the sandwich. You’ve completely forgotten about it. Three days later, you’re driving with the windows down. You get a whiff of an odd smell coming from somewhere within the car. You think you stepped in dog shit. You pull over into a strip mall to check your feet. Nope. You check the air conditioner to see if there is something dead stuck to the filter. Nope. You feel bewildered. You check the backseat. Oh, wait, there it is. Your three-day-old half-eaten tuna sandwich. The mayonnaise has gone bad, and took the tuna with it. You foolishly unwrap it. The smell takes you beyond the depths of hell. It feels like lava has orgasmed into your sinuses. You can see the food spoiling. Flies are gathering around you. You throw the tuna sandwich out in the garbage can near you. You wipe your nose. You look at your hands. There’s some spoiled mayonnaise and tuna on your index finger. It’s now on your nose. There’s some things in life that you can go without experiencing and this is one of those things.

Retching level: ★★★★★

11. Severe body odor

Summer is a wonderful time of year. The sun starts shining earlier and later, and that means high temperatures, which mean less clothes for people. That also results in bad things. People sweat. Some people sweat more. Some people take nice, cold showers to wash off that sweat. Some people take it upon themselves to bathe in more sweat to add on to the sweat that they’ve already sweated. You’ve experienced them before. You’ve been on buses and trains with them before. Their presence is felt even before they step through those doors. Air conditioners can’t save you from that smell. The sharp, musty, peppery, smell. It literally takes your breath away. You get a whiff of that smell, you will begin to feel fear. You will suffocate as that being spreads its arm crack to grasp the pole, further sending people around it into a frenzy. A frenzy to move to the next car. You will feel your body tremble as that being stands next to you, even though there are open seats up and down the aisle. Oh god, why me? will go through your head over and over again, until they get off, taking their hairy arm vagina with them. You will look out the window, and watch as the figure disappears into the fold, beyond the precipice that we all call the wall, and along with it, the smell that will kill your faith in humanity.

Retching level: ★★★★★