8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Dirtbag

1. If your name is Noelle, then he’s probably already had a few dreams about you. Just get over it.

2. Make sure if you drive him anywhere that you buckle and tighten his seatbelt—unless you want a bag of dirt through your windshield.

3. No grinding.

4. Do not get him wet. Ever heard of mud? Yeah, it’s no fucking joke.

5. You must know who he is.

6. You absolutely must give a damn about him.

7. When you look at him, see more than what is there. See what used to be there and what might be there someday. If you can’t look at him for long enough to see those things then, just jump into your dick boyfriend’s IROC and keep driving, sister.

Neither he nor I are asking you to do anything but try your best. That’s all anyone can ask from anyone else, really. If you are not emotionally or mentally available, if you don’t have time in your life or room in your heart, if you are too weak to be kind, PLEASE REFRAIN from asking out my teenage dirtbag.

He isn’t needy, but he has needs. If you are incapable of reciprocity due to: soullessness, prickery, disinterest, old wounds yet to cauterize, the indomitable fatigue of modern apathy, fence-sitting, unconcern, the complications of heartsickness, or other—do him the ultimate kindness of a quick and clear rejection. I don’t want you to enter into some sort of sadomasochistic circlejerk with my teenage dirtbag wherein he spends the majority of his time getting spiritually injured. That’s what his twenties are for.

Don’t make him any promises or mixtapes.  Don’t be afraid to get dirty. Love is messy. Also, he is literally a bag of dirt that I’ve had sitting in my house for the past sixteen years.

Don’t ask me why. You’re the one who wants to date him.

8. Return him on time. He’s got gym class in half an hour.