13 People Who Will Never Win American Idol (And Why)

The Idol game is stacked. With the certainty that the judges’ Coke will always be perfectly positioned to show the logo best to the camera, the same kind of people win it, and the same kind of people don’t. The judges are in on this secret: they know these folks have no chance.

These are:

1. Redheaded guys.

2. Women with multi-colored hair.

3. Anyone with facial rings, studs, or posts.

4. Meatloaf-looking guys.

5. Bubbas. They’re big, loveable, and doomed. In fact, anyone showcasing back-home shots having anything to do with standing on, near, or driving a tractor is, too.

6. Any. Gay. Person. While Adam Lambert curled our toes with his skills, the best he could do was runner-up. This doom extends to anyone not obviously straight as well. Those in the finals who never fail to impress with their talents, are not going to be asked to the prom. LGBTQIA’s, consider KYRTHAPSTMTLAXP (“Keep Your Return Ticket Handy And Practice Saying Take Me To LAX Please”).

7. Just about anyone “big.”

8. Guys with dreads.

9. Women with dreads.

10. Guys who wear knit caps. A lot.

11. Anyone bald. Which is probably why they are wearing knit caps all the time.

12. Anyone with braces, anyone you don’t want to look at a lot, anyone you would not want to be, anyone you know deep down doesn’t stand a chance, and you know it.

13. And this: anyone who isn’t white. Or black. That leaves 1 out of every 5 Americans. Where are they in the winner’s circle? Sure, the occasional Asian American, Hispanic, or other obviously ethnic hopeful makes it to the top 10, but they’re dreaming. No chance. And they don’t get to the top 10 because they’re lame. They walk the same high school hallways or work in the same paint stores as Idol Winners, having musical heritages as rich as any American white or black. However, these are summarily dismissed in the final weeks.

This musical xenophobia extends to anyone whose name is too ethnic, no matter how ethnic they don’tlook. No Italian American, Polish, French, Greek , Ukrainian, Turkish. Fantasia Barrino won because she was so obviously notItalian that her talent was allowed to prevail. The Deepaks, Bonitas, and Hualings should avoid unpacking too much of their suitcases while in LA.

This isn’t about diluting American Idol in the interests of what’s PC, or a musical Affirmative Action plea.

“Yes, but just making the Top 10 is wonderful exposure, it’s a great boost for so many young careers,” you say as the expelled tearfully belt out their swan song at the end of their last time on a big-league stage. Yeah, right. Everyone wants to win. If not, they’d call it ‘American Idol and All The Other Wannabees Who Know They Have A Snowball’s Chance in Hell, and Just Want to Go to Hollywood and Be On a Coupla Shows Before They Get Cut’. And go back to singing at shopping malls and weddings.

“But,” you insist, “the Top 10 all together get to go on tour over the summer.” Oh? Does anyone go to that? Is going to the American Idol’s Top 10 Tour something on your bucket list? Have you, or anyone you know ever gone to one of these events in your town?

Idol likes to consider its type of voting that of parliamentary procedure, whereby each vote carries equal weight. Except, of course, viewers can submit multiple votes online, via smartphone apps, and Facebook, as well as up to 50 votes at once via toll-free and/or text messaging. Dawg!

Maybe they should migrate to a voting system which would consider the contestant’s population demographic. This ‘weighted voting’ would factor the votes higher for those toting the baggage of any (or forbid, all) of the characteristics described above. To further level out the playing field, the total weighted votes cast for anyone in the Top 10 could be averaged among the surviving contestants, and subtracted, that is, ‘retired’ from their votes, each round, going forward.

Then they could call it All-American Idol.