Should Teachers Be Allowed To Give Their Students Lap Dances?

Is it improper for a 42-year-old female middle-school teacher to give a four-minute videotaped lap dance to her male pupil on his birthday in front of the whole classroom?

OK, sure it’s improper, but is it unacceptable? Beyond that, should we tolerate this? And who gets to decide?

Felicia Smith has greying dreadlocks and a catlike wisdom in her eyes. One imagines her silvery dreads bouncing slo-mo in the humid classroom air as she spins and twirls around the young teen boy with naughty abandon, twerking and grinding and kneeling to place her head between his legs and allowing him to smack her on a sagging ass that has been on planet Earth about three times longer than he has. According to this account, she was “rotating her buttocks against him and rubbing her hands all over his body.” (I’m not sure if you’ve ever had a teacher rotate her buttocks against you, but if it’s done properly, it can be tremendously pleasurable.) Teacher Smith also reportedly lost her balance a few times, causing the classroom to erupt in laughter. At the end of her four-minute command performance, she reportedly told the young urban youth, “I love you, baby. Happy birthday.”

Was that wrong? Says who? What percentage of horny heterosexual male middle-school students would think it was wrong rather than, oh, the coolest thing ever to happen in the history of the universe? When I was 15 I would have loved for a female teacher to give me a lap dance, and I didn’t even care that they were nuns.

Ms. Smith is currently free on $30,000 bail after being criminally charged with engaging in an improper relationship with a student. She has also been banished from the campus to prevent her from spontaneously breaking into any more lap dances with students. But who are THEY to say what’s improper and unacceptable? OK, they are the law; I’ll give them that much.

But they are also human beings, which means they are vulnerable to sins of character such as jealousy. If I had to speculate as to why this has become a criminal case, it’s because Houston police are jealous that this bright young promising male student from the inner city got a lap dance for free, while most of these cops probably have to pay for their own lap dances. Thus, this isn’t about pedophilia. It’s not about age discrimination. It’s about simple ugly male jealousy. It’s about player-hating. Envy is a grievous stain upon the body politic, and I believe it has tarnished the otherwise shiny badges of Houston’s boys in blue.

Some will say this is not a criminal case, it’s a free-speech issue. How so? Can a vagina speak? Do you need headphones to hear it?

Obviously, if the genders were reversed, this would be a rape case and the teacher would be a rancid pedophile. Instead, it’s a groovy and life-affirming tale of minority female empowerment and self-conscious vagina-ownership within the contextual framework of an urban educational environment, and there ain’t nothin’ wrong with that.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jIj9qk-ysV8?feature=player_detailpage&w=584&h=328%5D