Initial Thoughts: Lady Gaga – “Alejandro”

Everybody in the office was totally bananas about the premiere of “Alejandro” today. At exactly 12:08, we dropped everything we were doing right on the floor and ran to the closest Mac. With the delicious outrageousness of “Telephone,” which to me is still the hottest song on the radio, I didn’t really know what to expect from “Alejandro.” And actually, after watching the video I come away more confused than before I saw it, which is exactly how it’s supposed to be.

Here are three things to take away from the video.

Lady Gaga is in a dark mood.

Directed by Steven Klein, “Alejandro” is probably Gaga’s darkest, moodiest video yet. “Telephone” and “Paparazzi” were both like mini-movies, but “Alejandro” is more like a moving fashion editorial. Watch it and you’ll see an uncomfortably pale Gaga who is surrounded by just-as-pale back up dancers, and everybody has laser crisp bowl cuts on their heads. There’s virtually no color – mostly all black – and it’s set in a militaristic, World War II factory-esque netherworld.

The depressed mood, robotic dance moves and black clothes channel Janet Jackson and “Rhythm Nation” as well as Metropolis, the 1927 German sci-fi by Fritz Lang. That’s the thing about Gaga and her references: so many pop cultural references get scrambled into a single shot that she’s not “ripping off Madonna,” as so many other bloggers will say. She’s doing Ace of Base doing Madonna doing Janet Jackson doing Metropolis doing a gay porn film.

For a video directed by a major fashion photographer, who regularly shoots fabulous editorial campaigns for Italian Vogue, you might anticipate more In Your Face Fashion, the kind of stuff that makes headlines. And let’s face it, people love Gaga equally for what she wears as for the music. Gaga’s other hit “Telephone” was filled to the brim with highly editorial fashion, but “Alejandro” is a touch subtler than that. Don’t be fooled, though: on its black surface, there may not be outrageous couture – except for when Gaga emerges with those, um, snorkels (!) on her eyes, which, okay, is outrageous enough to remind you that she’s still “Gaga.” In case you forgot.

But “Alejandro” boasts an All-Star cast of designers: Emporio Armani, Alexander McQueen, Christian Louboutin, and Hussein Chalayan are just some of the heavy hitters who have pieces in the video.

So just, like, chill out, fashionistas among you.

Lady Gaga Likes to Flip Fuck.

You’re in luck, gay dudes! Lady Gaga is a top and a bottom. She puts her “man parts” to use and reams a gay dude doggy style, and he flips her over and does the same back. Now everybody can take turns getting everybody from behind. But the simulated sex is more like total adulation than real, actual sex. Gaga offers herself to the gay community, and the gay dudes give themselves back to Gaga. Celebrity worship is a lot like sex, I guess.

Though it’s not necessarily a new theme by any means, sexual liberation and gender-bending are totally two take away points from “Alejandro.” At several moments in the video, we’re confronted with a dude wearing fishnet stockings, high heels, or both. Close your eyes, homophobes! Can men wear heels? Can men wear fishnets?! The naked men-in-heels is clearly a rehashing of the infamous Purple magazine editorial by Karl Lagerfeld with hot model Baptiste Giabiconi, where Baptiste poses in a number of settings almost completely naked – in pumps.

And where there’s sexual liberation, gay sex isn’t that far behind. All those dudes rolling around in their high waisted, low cut shorts, chests fully out, high heels on, I’m just waiting on the gay orgy scene. The last time I saw this much gay in a music video was in Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful” where the two dudes make out in the end. Aguilera went for a straight up gay kiss, but Gaga went for a much raunchier sado-masochism. You know, whatever works.

Lady Gaga’s Breasts Have Guns Inside…

By the end of the video, Gaga dances with her gays with a bra made of guns. Imagine how difficult it must have been to learn to dance with a gun bra! Boobs may be soft, squishy and succulent, but if you F with Gaga she will bust out her C cup AK 47 on you.

First came the gays, now the feminists. Gaga’s showing that she’s not going to let anybody, an ex boyfriend, a record label, a manager, anybody, mess with her. As much as the video puts sexual liberation on the table, the militaristic tone plus the boob gun makes me think Gaga is giving a serious message. Not too long ago Gaga Tweeted that her record label didn’t want her to release “Alejandro,” that she had to fight an uphill battle to even get the thing on the radio. We also know that her ex is suing her for a ridiculous amount of money. So take note, all: if you mess with Lady Gaga, she will release her army of gay dudes in high heels on you and fire at you with her boob gun.

You might think this is as old as Madonna, but I’ll never tire of what folks will think to put on their privates next.