8 Geometric Shapes You Didn’t Realize Are Problematic

As anyone with two brain cells to rub together already knows, math is political, and this includes the Western imperialist social construct known as geometry.

The main problem with so-called “modern education” is that it still relies far too heavily on cruel patriarchal delusions such as “facts” and “logic,” two discredited and debunked notions that have been demonstrated again and again to hurt the feelings of the oppressed and underprivileged. We, as a society, need math to be inclusive, and that naturally includes people who have problems with math.

This list is by no means intended to be comprehensive, but it should serve as a guide to all geometry teachers concerned with social justice that there are certain lines you should NOT cross while drawing lines on the blackboard.

1. Circles

Circles are potentially problematic because they are the shape of the planet Earth, and Republicans are standing in the way of not only a world without borders, they are also blocking comprehensive climate-change reform that would save the planet.

2. Rhombuses

The humble rhombus may look innocent, but in the minds of racists and imperialists, it is a dog-whistle—actually, a shape-whistle—that represents the “blood diamonds” which have torn apart sub-Saharan Africa.

3. Pentagons

This should be obvious to everyone who isn’t a warmongering asshole, but the pentagon is actually a shape-whistle for a pentagram, the satanic symbol which secretly represents the so-called “Pentagon” building in Washington, DC, which is the seat of America’s continuing wars of aggression as well as white males’ collective sexual anxieties.

4. Parallelograms

Try saying “parallelogram” five times fast. Now, imagine that you have a speech impediment. The parallelogram is obviously so named in order to shame students with speech impediments from speaking up in class, therefore dooming them to career failure and lifelong loneliness.

5. Octagons

The eight-sided octagon in its most sinister form takes the shape of the seemingly benign “STOP” sign, which is yet another shape-whistle that the Tea Party uses to stop women, minorities, gays, and the crippled from making progress.

6. Ellipses

This egg-like geometric shape could be mistaken for either an ovary or a testicle, which may lead to confusion and subsequent derision. It is therefore innately transphobic.

7. Crescents

Americans who are on the wrong side of history—basically, all Americans who don’t live in large cities and still cling bitterly to their Bibles and guns—are highly Islamophobic. Whenever they see a crescent, even if it isn’t intentionally an Islamic one, they are prone to shoot.

8. Triangles

White supremacists and European colonialists are by nature historical revisionists who deny that their people lived in caves while Africa was a flourishing civilization with flying cars and highly advanced dentistry techniques. They don’t like to acknowledge that the Egyptian pyramids were designed and built by black people.

We’re all in this together, people, so please feel free to suggest your own problematic shapes in the comments. And if you don’t think any of the shapes I listed here are problematic, you are obviously part of the problem.