What if God Isn’t Gay? What Then?

After the Right Reverend Fred Phelps slipped down the tubes of the giant intergalactic colon last week, Pastor James David Manning of Harlem indisputably became the most hilarious Christian in America.

Born a small cotton-and-tobacco-pickin’ black child in the racist South—like there’s any other kind of South—Manning moved to New York during the 1960s and nurtured a rich, vibrant, and lingering hatred of white people. He claims to have burgled over 100 homes and spent three and a half years in prison—which makes me jealous, because that’s a year more than I did.

But after visiting Africa in the 1980s, Manning concluded that “Black people have contributed nothing to modern society,” a theme which he expounds upon in the following helpful video:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AspYhwB8THU&w=640&h=360]

Pastor Manning has also graced YouTube with other insightful and hard-hitting sermons such as “Seven Reasons Why Black People Have No Honor,” “Black People are Haters and Losers,” and “Bring Back the ‘N’ Word.”

He became semi-famous during the 2008 presidential campaign after calling Barack Obama’s mother “white trash” and stating that “It is common knowledge that African men…do diligently seek out white women to have sex with.” He would later refer to Obama as a “long-legged mack daddy” and compare him to Hitler and Satan, both of whom, as we all know, were white men.

Manning gained further notoriety in February when a sign outside his church read “OBAMA HAS RELEASED THE HOMO DEMONS ON THE BLACK MAN. LOOK OUT BLACK WOMEN. A WHITE HOMO MAY TAKE YOUR MAN.” Earlier this month he replaced that sickening and uncalled-for statement with a “horrifying, homophobic message” that read “JESUS WOULD STONE HOMOS.” As any right-thinking, progressive-minded person knows, this is untrue; the fact is that Jesus gets stoned with homos and greatly enjoys their company.

Last weekend, a vandal—who from surveillance footage appears to be a hi-yella black male and presumably a homo—climbed over the church’s fence, removed the sign’s lettering, and spray-painted “GOD IS GAY” in its place. Police are now investigating the attack as a hate crime.

“Gay people are just outright bullies,” Pastor Manning told the New York Daily News. “I expected them to act in a very violent way.”

What say you, ye kind, thoughtful, educated, compassionate, and ridiculously sensitive readers? Who’s the “hater” in this equation? Reverend Manning? The light-skinned black vandal who is possibly a homosexual? Both of them? What if you find both of them very funny? Does that make you a hater? What if I hate you for thinking that?

More importantly—is God gay? If so, explain how he was able to have a son.