A Day In The Life Of A Satirist

So, if you don’t know who I am, my name is Nicole. I’m a mother and a teacher at a retarded school, and I am arguably one of the most popular writers on the internet these days.

Despite my success, there’s always a lot of controversy surrounding my work. A big problem is that I am often perceived as culturally ignorant, racist, or downright moronic. Even the people who “get” my writing describe it as satire, similar to the work of Kurt Vonnegut, Johnathan Swift, or Mark Twain. While I’ll agree that my writing is as good as those authors’, I wouldn’t say that what I do is similar. I’ve got more originality, and I’m not really sure that I’m doing satire.

For the uninformed, satire is when you say messed up stuff to own people, but you’re always just pretending to own people. It’s like when you call your friends gay. You’re not actually saying that they’re homosexuals, you’re just trying to hurt their feelings because that’s what friends do. I’m considered a satirist around these parts, despite the fact that I usually mean everything that I say. I mean if you can laugh it off, that’s perfectly fine, but you should all know that I’m real, and I will debate with any one of you on any of these issues.

I’m sort of getting side tracked here. I really don’t want this piece to be a rant against the trolls. Really, what this one is for, is for all the young kids out there emailing me every day. This is for everybody in the comments who keeps asking me, “Nicole, I hope that one day I can be as good as you. What’s it like? Where do I start?” I just want to give you little guys a taste of my life.

Let’s face it: my life is pretty different than most of yours. I’m not moving through the world like a sheep, just blindly accepting everything at face value. I’m constantly analyzing things, thinking stuff like, “how could I diss this, what could I say about this that would totally just tear it up and own it.” Just the other day I was at the gas station and they had a sign that said “self service.” That’s kind of an oxymoron, right? Like service is about someone doing something for you. Fucking idiots. That’s the kind of stuff I’m thinking about.

Usually I’ll wake up in the morning and get a coffee and finish off whatever is left of the previous night’s fortified wine. I like red grape mad dog and night train, but I’ll drink whatever. I’m not one of those people that lets fame go to my head, I drink the people’s wine and I write the people’s words.

Once I get a good buzz I like to check out what’s going on in the news and figure out just what the hell I can talk about, and how I can really shape people’s perceptions of global events with my insight. As a powerful voice, it’s really important that I have something to say about everything. There’s been a lot going on recently, and I’ve covered it all. That missing plane, the situation in Russia, and stuff about how trannies were pissed off at that movie that wasn’t entirely about them. Every single one of those issues I completely owned with my writing.

For example, the Seattle police recently looked into the death of Kurt Kobain, one of the original punk rock musicians. I thought about this, and thought about what’s interesting about it. I thought, huh, that’s weird, we’re focusing on the death of a white woman from 20 years ago, yet no one is talking about the issue of rape in schools. There’s literally zero coverage of that. This is where writers like myself really get inspired. We get passionate and we get into think piece mode. That’s when I like to drink some more Mad Dog and put bad ass movies on in the background. I get really pumped by watching stuff like Cobra and Stone Cold, and I just rage at my computer about how messed up the world is.

They say that good writers struggle to fill a page, and that bad writers feel that words flow like shit that flows really fast. I disagree with this. I’m a fantastic writer and I rarely have to edit or think twice about what I’m saying. It’s sort of like freestyle rapping, you just have to be good at it. It takes me about thirty minutes to put something together.

Usually I’ll spend the rest of my day responding to fan mail from supporters. You make think this is easy, but it really isn’t. This is where being a satirist becomes a full time job, because it’s 2014, we’re not just people, were brands. We have to constantly engage with the people that are consuming our brands, or we’ll lose our fan base.

So, I guess the biggest question is, would I recommend it?

Well, it’s not for everyone. Being a professional writer and satirist is definitely taxing, even for someone with immense intelligence. But, if you’ve got the chops, like myself, then you should definitely go for it. I’m going to make up a quote right now, and you guys should live by it: If you follow your dreams, one day you’ll wake up, and there you are.