22 Reasons Why I Don’t Join A Gym

(1)) I don’t want to sit through an introduction meeting with an over zealous gym sales-person for an hour.

(2) I don’t want to take a tour of your gym. It’s a gym, I get it.

(3) That being said, I actually don’t get it. And because I didn’t take a tour I will most certainly get lost.

(4) Locker rooms make me nervous.

(5) I struggle with locker locks and as I sit there fidgeting with the lock every second that ticks by feels like an hour and I’m sure everyone is staring at the idiot girl who can’t open a locker. Terrible memories of junior high rush over me.

(6) Steam saunas give me asthma. I tried to sit in one once and almost fainted.

(7) I have OLBA. Old Lady Boobie Anxiety. No offense to all of the old lady boobies out there, but it’s true. I just don’t like to see them swinging around in public, I’m modest. And I also can’t help but start humming “do your boobs hang low, do they wobble to and fro…” every time I see an elderly woman walking around a locker room in the nude. It’s just instinct.

(8) I don’t have cute workout clothes. I still dress like a second grader in PE class in my baggy t-shirts that say “Express Soccer Tournament 1997” and my shiny checkered Umbro shorts.

(9) The only machine I know how to work is the treadmill. And I even struggle with that sometimes.

(10) I don’t like to wait in line to run. Or to ride a bike. Or to pretend to glide on air.

(11) I always forget to wipe down my machine after I’m done. And when I don’t forget, I half-ass it because it grosses me out.

(12) The stair stepper just pisses me off. Where’s the elevator machine?

(13) I get too many wedgies when I workout to be in a public place.

(14) I don’t sweat a lot but my face gets scary red. After just a few minutes I look like a forty year old man about to have a heart attack and I’m pretty sure that worries people.

(15) I don’t need to be surrounded by mirrors on all four sides to watch myself lift a ten pound dumb bell. I’m just lifting weights, I understand the process without having to see a play by play from myself.

(16) That douchey guy in the muscle tee who has his pecks hanging out with a nipple piercing who does need to see a play by play of himself? Yeah, I’d rather not work out anywhere near him.

(17) That douchey girl in the muscle tee who has her pecks hanging out with a nipple piercing who does need to see a play by play of herself? Yeah, I’d rather not work out anywhere near her.

(18) It’s almost a guarantee that my earphone chords will get caught on something during a workout causing me to jerk backward like I was just punched in the face by a ghost.

(19) I don’t own enough water bottles to continually forget them in the locker room.

(20) I never like what’s on TV while I’m at the gym.

(21) I don’t enjoy being surrounded by a crowd of people who are in much better shape than I am. And they clearly know they are.

(22) I’m cheap.

We can really forget 1-21, it all boils down to #22. I’m too cheap to pay to do something that can be done for free.