How To Be A Good Ally To Trannies

Like everyone else, my jaw dropped to the floor during the Oscars, when former LGBT advocate Ellen DeGeneres went on a racist, transphobic rant against Liza Minnelli, transsexuals, transvetites, transgenders, transmen, and transwomen alike. It’s really gross and disgusting that it’s 2014 and every award show is still filled with hate speech towards everyone who isn’t a white cis man.

“I hate drag queens and gay people,” joked Ellen. “I think we should round up all transsexuals and exterminate them like Russian dogs.” The crowd laughed, but I didn’t. “The only thing that looks worse than Liza Mannelli is Pharrell’s hat, and both belong in the Canadian tundra, where they are out of sight and the harsh winter can swiftly remove them from existence.” The laughter in the crowd came to a rolling boil. I sat in my chair, literally shaking.

Unfortunately, the night’s travesty didn’t end with the former lesbian’s diatribe. Later in the evening, Jared Leto showed his true colors when he accepted the best supporting actor award for his role as Rayon, a transwoman in Dallas Buyer’s Club.

“To be honest, I only took this role as a joke,” quipped Leto. “To me the idea of someone being the wrong gender is funny. I didn’t take the role seriously and I thought it would be a great opportunity for white men to have more exposure in the media.”

I was incredibly outraged, but also a little relieved because I had already typed up an angry response to the award show before it had even aired.

A lot of people (cismen) think that the transgendered community is too easily offended. The logical, rational response to that is, “shut up.” You don’t live the life of a trans person, so you should never be able to speak to them in any tone other than complete adulation and reverence.

These people have to deal with things that you could never imagine. They’re incredibly brave. Can you imagine being born with a dick you don’t want? They’re saying they don’t want dicks, but their bodies give them dicks anyways. That’s rape. These people are literally being raped by their bodies every day.

Sure, some of them are just pretending to be women so that they can use the ladies bathroom, and some of them are just doing it to troll Thought Catalog readers, but these aren’t choices that these people are making. Think about it, why would someone choose to use a slower bathroom or make a decision to be hated by the best thought thinkers in the world? They’re born that way, and you should respect them and treat them with the same respect you’d show to a Faberge egg or a boy king who has gone mad with power.

It’s really important to understand that being a good ally means never saying anything at all. Allies listen and acquiesce, they don’t offer empathy and they certainly don’t offer an opinion.

You need to realize that you don’t have either the intellectual or emotional capacity to relate to a transgendered person even on the most basic level, and when you pretend as if you can understand things like alienation or depression, it’s really insulting. You’re basically saying, “I’m also a human being with a full emotional spectrum, and while I may not be trans, I’ve had difficulties in my life that allow me to relate to another’s pain.” You couldn’t possibly relate, and you’re not brave. Just shut up and let trannies speak for themselves and everybody else.

Language is probably the most important thing to a tranny. You see, their entire existence is a paradox. So nuance, undertone, inference and supposition are their first language. When you hear a person say, “I think transgender people should be treated normally,” you might assume that person was making a statement of support. This is not true, you see. ‘Treating someone normally,’ implies that there is something abnormal about having a sex change operation. That’s transmisogyny, and they’re basically Hitler. They might as well have said, “I think all transgenders should die.”

From my exposure to social justice, I’ve learned that the worst type of bigots aren’t the confederate flag waving Klansmen who will gladly kill a minority given the opportunity. No, it’s the well-meaning individuals who want to raise awareness of social justice issues. It’s people in our own community who are seemingly progressive, kind-hearted people, that say things in a way that could only be interpreted as offensive if you spend all of your time highlighting and denouncing perceived injustices. They are wolves in sheep’ clothing–which is just idiomatic speech, by the way. If a wolf wants to wear sheep clothing that’s perfectly fine and good. In fact we should respect that wolf and let it into our homes. But only the actual wolf in the analogy, of course–the figurative wolves are still bad.

That’s why it’s so hard for some people to accept the fact that Ellen DeGeneres, an amazingly talented, successful minority, who has overcome a lot of prejudice herself, would be one of the most vile, despicable bigots of all time. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but it’s true. She’s a bad person and she deserves all the scorn that is coming her way.

So to anyone who wants to be a good ally, please shut up and hang your head in shame, and to my trans friends, I hope you can consider me a positive force in your magnificent, perfect community. I will support you silently, and I patiently await for your instructions on how high I should jump.