Rating 4 English-Speaking Nationalities According to Street Cred and Chillness in the Context of an International Tourist Environment

Americans

Americans have extremely low street cred in the international tourist environment (except that which is self-imposed, mostly by those that profess to “be hip hop” or “be people that will fight other people if they are disrespected” – which is null and void in the international environment, anyways), this as the result of George W. Bush, republicans, the American news media, the American education system, privatized health care, and everything else non-Americans talk shit about when they talk shit about America. If an American speaks a foreign language – preferably, that of the host country – his street cred rises considerably, but still fails to reach even the baseline levels of a number of the nationalities to be discussed momentarily. Thus, an American’s automatic status in the international tourist environment is low – perhaps as low as the common buffoon – and she must make up for it with her chillness levels, which are actually comparable (if not higher than) many nationalities. Of these chillness levels, Americans in the international tourist environment can rate medium to medium high (rarely low), as their universal use of “chronic,” broism, surfer hairstyles, cargo shorts and a willingness to walk around without a shirt on are some of the most prominent indicators of extreme chillness. In sum, when we consider the American in international tourist environment, while we do look upon him as the sort of wailing ape of the bunch, we’re willing to grant him at least a chance at our respect if he a) speaks the language of the host country or b) seems chill.

Final scores
Street-cred: 0/10
Chillness: 6/10
Status: 2/10

The English

Like Americans, the English do not carry with them any significant amount of street cred into the international tourist environment. The English – or “roast beef,” as the French like to say of the vacationing sunburnt English genus who typically inhabit French coastal resort towns and the islands of Thailand – have a particularly bad reputation for being belligerent, loud, ‘homey’ tourists who are more apt to belittle a country’s customs for their being unlike their own than see the inherent value of their existence (of course, this is not the author’s opinion – only a particular stereotype often applied to the English tourist). As such English tourists generally have a bit of a rough start in the international tourist environment with regards to street cred, although being from Europe automatically puts them above, at the least, Americans and Canadians (but unfortunately still doesn’t allow them to compete with the likes of other European nation states, i.e. France). Further increasing their street cred – albeit marginally – is the English clan’s higher likelihood to have traveled abroad (more time spent traveling always equates to more international tourist environment street cred) than their North American counterparts.

But the English’s chillness levels unfortunately bring their total score down. The English just genuinely do not know how to chill, as evidenced by their strict fashion standards, lack of guitar playing and extremely uptight accents. Thus, when we understand the English in the context of the international tourist environment, we understand that she comes into the game with weak to medium-low street cred and almost no chillness whatsoever, but we do give her credit for being from Europe (automatic street cred of at least 4/10) and possibly having traveled to a country outside of their own.

Final Scores
Street Cred: 4.2/10
Chillness: 1/10
Status: 4/10

Canadians

While the street cred of the average Canadian in the international tourist environment is somewhat hard to define, as the mere mention of the concept of street cred mysteriously seems to reject the notion of “Canadian” or “being a Canadian person” altogether, for better or for worse, we do know that it’s lower than any European nationalities (unless the Canadian’s first language is French, in which case the Canadian can simply fake that he is French) and that it’s marginally (albeit significantly) higher than American street cred. Factors that reinforce Canadian street cred superiority over its neighbor to the south include the country’s free public health care system, French as one of its official languages, and perhaps the existence of Vancouver.

Despite the relative vacuum of knowledge surrounding Canadian street cred, we do know that they score almost embarrassingly low on chillness levels. Some have claimed that Canadians are the least chill of them all (unchill, even). This is certainly not aided by their defensiveness about their nationality whenever they’re ‘accused’ of being an American, their ‘cookie-cutter’ sense of humor, their extreme interest in figure skating, and their very-easy-to-ridicule accents. In general, then, the Canadian in the international tourist environment certainly has a good amount to make up for – especially in chillness levels – but not as much as Americans, who they’re so quick to correct that they’re not.

Final Scores
Street Cred: 2.1/10
Chillness: 0/10
Status: 2.1/10

Australians

Australians come to international environment with a solid, medium amount of street cred, but it can vary wildly according to geographic location. For example, an Australian surfer bro will command medium-high levels of street cred in places like Costa Rica or Koh Panyang, but will suffer incredible losses in places such as Paris, Bern, Moscow, and Seoul. Things that keep Australian street cred from sky rocketing are, among other characteristics, their unseemly interest in rugby, their lack of knowledge of other languages, and the fact that they aren’t from the European continent. But Australians have little to worry about, because they’re chillness levels are tremendously high across the board. Wherever there’s a pack of Australians, one will always be sporting ankle and wrist bracelets he bought from the locals, one will have a guitar, and one will have a surfboard. They’ll smoke weed, drink and party with amiable facial expressions. In general, then, Australians come in at the top of the international tourist environment pecking order, scoring medium to medium-high in street cred and insanely high chillness levels.

Final Scores
Street cred: 6/10
Chillness: 9/10
Status: 8/10