5 Things You Get A Guy For Valentine’s Day (Or Just Any Day, Really)

Last night at the gym, a random girl walked up to me. She was visibly flustered, misty-eyed, and just completely beside herself. She asked me for my “guy’s opinion” on what to get her man. She seriously inquired, “So, um, do guys like chocolate? I was thinking about getting him some chocolate… Do you think he’ll like chocolate?”

Oh dear Lord help us.

I was deeply concerned, for her, even for other ladies (or gentlemen) out there, who actually might think chocolate is what a man wants for this day, or any other day for that matter. I compiled this list. I hope it helps make your day together really special. Here are your options:

1. First, chocolate’s great, but Holy Baby Moses, fuck chocolate. Fuck teddy bears. Fuck CVS right in the ear, unless you want to showcase your 5th-grade level of creativity or your giraffe-baby-in-the-womb level of thoughtfulness. No offense to 5th graders, or giraffes. I hope you’re offended though, silly goose.

2. Well, I take that back; fuck teddy bears – UNLESS you find some kind of Samsung-engineered solar-powered Teddy Ruxpin robot that throws ninja stars when you clap your hands, or barfs consistently-delicious spaghetti when you tickle its belly, or has red laser eyes that can cut through bank walls. Think about what your man actually enjoys and keep your gift related, and simple. If he goes rock climbing, get him some rope. If he’s a biker, get him an extra tire. If he’s a writer, find him a literary agent – or just give him money in an envelope. Dirty pennies even.

3. You can always make him his favorite meal (bison steak never hurts) with his favorite beer, dress like Marilyn Monroe, and – while sensuously feeding him one bloody bite at a time – sing/whisper to him “Happy Birthday Mister President … of the entire World…” while commenting on his muscles and how they remind you of “a Viking… Seriously, you REALLY remind me of a Viking… which is why-” And that’s when you hand him an ax (or a sword), with a leather carrying-pouch that attaches to his belt, with a bow on it (a bow made out of leather).

4. Probably even better than all of that would be this one. Very simple, but very powerful. You’ll just need a piece of paper; anything will do though, maybe even the back of an electric bill, or just use the wall. Find something to write with; you honestly can use peanut butter if you want. All you have to do is write this somewhere: “Dear_ (his name), My V-day gift to you this year is, you don’t have to get me a damn V-day gift this year. Love, (your name).”

5. Lastly, the answer to the flustered-gym-girl’s question – Do guys like chocolate? Yes, of course they do, but then again, so do most creatures in the entire universe. If you must get him chocolate, then just grab your Hershey’s syrup out of the refrigerator, and, as soon as he walks through the door, pull down his pants, drizzle that brown gold sloppily all over his manhood, as if that penis of his is a perfectly ripened banana in the very first banana split ever concockted, and, go to town on that thing as if it’s your last meal. And don’t forget his Neapolitan ice cream balls. Or his sliced-strawberry taint.

I guarantee you, especially with that last one, this will be the best Valentine’s Day ever for him.