Click This One: I’m About To Make You WAY Happier In Your Relationship

Whenever you’re going through a rough relationship patch it’s good to get some perspective. There are couples who are a LOT more fucked up than you guys are. My local morning radio show, the Dave Ryan in the Morning Show does a bit called “War of the Roses” where they work with a man or woman who suspects their partner is cheating. They then call the suspect and claim to be their phone company and offer then a dozen romantic roses in exchange for completing a quick, two question survey. The suspect then inevitably falls for the ruse and reveals their cheating by sending the roses to someone other than their partner–at which point the two duke it out live over the phones. For whatever reason, listening to the clips below is like being transported to another world where there is no such thing as natural selection. Here’s some juicy favorites, enjoy!

This man sent roses to his mistress instead of his fiance because “she’s had a rough year… she had clamydia.”

In this “relationship” Sarah thinks her “boyfriend” is cheating on her because she found porn on his computer, and to her, porn is a sure sign someone is cheating because they are getting satisfaction somewhere other than their partner. It’s no wonder that someone with this warped sense of logic is also revealed to not be in a relationship with the person she thinks is her boyfriend, because he told her not to contact him and they haven’t spoken in three weeks. Wow.

This girl calls in to see if the guy she’s seeing was, in fact, having sex with another woman on a children’s playground. Instead of sending her free flowers, he puts the moves on the woman calling him “from the phone company.” He is unbelievable!

Whoa. This girl calls in and says that this guy is “letting her” do his laundry so she feels super special but then she finds a letter from an attorney asking for child support for a kid he had with another woman, the time frame meaning he would have cheated on her (and, let’s be real, if I had a boyfriend that considered laundry an “honor” I’d cheat on him too. Spoiler alert: she finds out he has not one, but TWO secret kids.

Here’s a military man who finds out that while he was gone his girlfriend has been cheating on him with his best friend.

And… here’s a girl that seriously believes having anal sex with someone automatically believes you are in an exclusive, monogamous relationship.

If you’ve made it this far and you’ve heard from you partner in the last two weeks, if he or she doesn’t have secret kids they don’t pay child support out there, if they aren’t seen having public sex with people who aren’t you– you should feel like you’re in the top 99th percentile of happy couples.