50 Things I Learned In College

1. Any sized bag of Jack Link’s Beef Jerky is a meal.

2. Leggings are most definitively pants.

3. The scientific method can and WILL be taught in just about every class. Especially the non science-y ones.

4. You don’t have to read the books. You don’t even have to buy the books.

5. But know that what you get out is what you put in.

6. People like to talk about their sororities/fraternities.

7. You should probably feign interest.

8. People like to relive drunk memories.

9. Again, feign interest.

10. The hardest part of going to office hours is usually finding said office.

11. Being Facebook hacked is rarely done well, but when it is– sheer brilliance! This is true for almost any prank. Also, don’t reuse pranks on different people. It’s like when guys use the same pick up line on every girl at a party and you can overhear them. It’s pathetic and the effect is watered down with each repetition.

12. You can accomplish 76% of your life goals during a big lecture class.

13. Eating in class is a spectator sport. If you bring a tupperware of lasagna, we are going to watch.

14. Don’t be that kid who is meditating in the grass unless you are genuinely that kid that WANTS to be meditating in the grass.

15. Same goes for being that kid that’s dancing on the tables.

16. Same goes for that kid who is a pre med major.

17. Simply telling the people on campus who are handing out fliers that you’re sorry but you “hate tigers”/“hate women workers”/“hate the ocean” and that’s why you won’t donate works nine times out of ten. Purely due to their shock.

18. If you aren’t the hugest fan of someone on day one, don’t waste your time trying to be friends with them, even if they have much more social capital than you and are a dancer and their ass looks better in yoga pants. Fuck it. Move on. There are so many other people.

19. Call home.

20. You can survive on the same meals day in and day out with little to no immediate atrophy of your major bodily functions. At least this is true for popcorn and frozen yogurt.

21. Your neighborhood Subway is a great source of vegetables.

22. Nothing is more annoying than 20 year olds who still refer to people as their “gay best friend” or say things like “I’m mostly friends with (insert opposite gender).” Stop it. Grow up. Be friends with your friends and shut up about it.

23. Actually, be family with your friends. Get them meds when they are sick. Bail them out of awkward or unsafe situations. Take them to the airport at 5 am. Make sure they wake up before their 8 am final.

24. Getting a package in the mail is tantamount to the miracle of a child being born. If your parents do not know what to send you, buy your own stuff, put it in a box and ask them to mail it to you randomly later in the year. It’s like finding $20 in your pocket. (Also talk to your parents about love).

25. Registering for classes is also similar to childbirth. But in the bad way. The breach baby, no epidural, 24 hour labor kind of way.

26. Your life is so wildly, unimaginably, incomparable to anyone else’s. Let them do them. You do you.

27. That being said, you aren’t special. You’re lovely. Your friends and family adore you to bits I bet, but you aren’t special. Sit down and no you don’t deserve an extension.

28. Drinking green tea probably is not going to make up for binge drinking on the weekends.

29. You can have fun times and not drink. At all. Ever. Like be sober in college. And have fun. With other people. This is a big one. Had I thought this through more maybe it would have been first on this list. Or last. Or like a special number that isn’t 29.

30. Re-read number 29.

31. You can have fun in college and drink too though. Live your teenage dream.

32. People don’t date much here.

33. People (usually girls) who expect hookups to lead to a boyfriend/girlfriend situation are sad.

34. Fraternity and sorority members are easy to avoid if need be– they wear their letters for that reason, I believe.

35. Just like non-members, some are wonderful. Some are demon spawn.

36. Dining halls have hours that will break your heart.

37. Your reflexes are often at your best when hiding your Amazon browsing history from someone borrowing your computer.

38. Wikipedia is fine. It counts.

39. Walls are thin. You will hear things you don’t want to hear. Usually you don’t even have to wait until later to laugh about it. It’s funny.

40. You can go an awfully long time without cutting your hair if need be.

41. Same goes for showering, but please don’t test this.

42. If you do test this know that Febreezing your clothes + applying copious layers of deodorant + baby powder for your greasy hair = a shower. That will cut it for a day. Once you’re on your second day of dry shampooing your hair, you need to intervene.

43. You probably have at least one friend who is uncannily good at Facebook stalking. Use that resource. YouTube stalking is also helpful it turns out.

44. You will never get anything done over a break. Ever. Don’t save things for over break. Breaks are good for two things: helping you gain more weight and reminding you why you went to college seven states away.

45. Small talk is awful. Don’t be the person at the party who can only ask “what’s your major?” and “what year are you?”. Be creative. Walk up to someone and ask what their favorite power tool is, what limb they would lose if they had the choice, or which hand on a clock they most identify with.

46. You will probably scare off/ bewilder a few people. Good. Let those ones go. They are the people who write down every word of the slides that are posted online. They’re a lost cause. College probably won’t take for them.

47. Not going to hang out with the person that you like for one night will never make or break them liking you back. Ever. Literally (correct usage of the word) no one has moved on from a person they really truly like in one night. And that’s the kind of person you want. Someone who really truly likes you back. Not someone who decides to date/bang/hookup with someone based on proximity that one evening.

48. So stay in every once in a while. It’s healthy to remember what an evening of solitude is like. You’ll probably be able to catch up on your masturbating.

49. Your body is pretty much at it’s peak of capability. I add that on because people seem to abuse their bodies quite a bit at this age so they aren’t always at their straight peak. But pretty much you have the capacity to look your hottest right now. Weird 40 year olds are always waxing nostalgic about what they should have worn at 20. Wear it. Who cares if your thighs have dimples? Or if your arms aren’t as huge as your frat brother? No one. (Ok some gross, soulless shallow people). It’s just life. Embrace that this is likely your best body. And do something about it if you aren’t happy with that fact.

50. “It’s college” is by far and away the favored justification. For everything. Staying up late, staying in the dining hall from lunch until dinner but really only eating 17 bowls of Frosted Flakes, peeing on your roommate that one time when you were drunk. Those words have kept me up watching Mulan until 3 in the morning when I had an 8am class the next day. Cause freedom! But in the brilliant words of someone: check yourself before you do indeed wreck yourself. Make smart stupid choices. Error on the side of Jennifer Lawrence, not Miley.