24 Clear Signs I’m Not A Mom

1. Nobody watches me go to the bathroom.

2. I have no idea what channel Nick Jr or Disney is on.

3. A “blowout” to me means a really big party, and not what happens to babies after they eat too many avocados or strawberries… I’ll leave it at that.

4. I’ve never put on a clean shirt only to have someone spit up on it ten seconds later (and not get mad about it).

5. I don’t understand the thrill of a miniature sized chair from Pottery Barn. Or why it’s necessary to have your child’s initials monogrammed on said chair. It’s like we get it, the chair is for your kid, no one is going to try and sit in it I promise.

6. I’ve never gotten excited over someone going #2 in a toilet.

7. I don’t have fruit snacks in my purse.

8. I’ve never bitten someone else’s nails. And especially not their toe nails.

9. I haven’t stepped on a lego since the early 90s.

10. I sometimes find trips to the grocery store kind of relaxing.

11. Vomit still makes me wince.

12. I don’t take an iPad with me everywhere I go.

13. My windows don’t have lick marks on them.

14. I get date nights about four times a week.

15. I’ve never stopped drinking early because I’m nervous the thirteen-year-old girl at my house watching my children will judge me.

16. I have no idea who this “Baby Einstein” person is.

17. I have time to blog.

18. I still get shy when I see a mom breastfeeding in public.

19. I do laundry about once a week. Sometimes less.

20. The only person I have to get ready is myself.

21. I’ve never picked someone else’s booger.

22. Running a quick errand doesn’t take fifteen minutes of prep time.

23. I take pretty long showers just for the hell of it.

24. I don’t have even half the patience or selflessness that most of the moms I know do. So cheers to you, moms!  Keep on raising better little humans everyday like you’re already doing!

*Just a little food for thought though — would you like a photo of yourself on the toilet broadcast on the internet? Yeah, I bet your child wouldn’t either.  No judgment though, I’ll leave that to your babysitter.