SNL Is Racist Unless It Hires These 12 People

Oh wow. Looks like Saturday Night Live FINALLY decided to add a black woman to their cast. Nice try SNL, it’s too late – we already know that you’re racist and sexist, and you can’t save face now by giving in to the demands of a bunch of bloggers who don’t even watch your show.

It’s not enough to just crack under the immense weight of largely anonymous internet voices, because even when we get our way, we’re still going to find fault in it. Before we even get a chance to patronize this new totally-deserves-it-hero-WoC and declare her the savior of SNL, some of us are already mad at the underwhelming presence of Hispanics and Asians on the show. It’s almost as if SNL can’t win.

Or can they? It seems like the smart thing for white supremacist, racist Lorne Michaels to do now would be to preemptively hire as many minorities as he can. If he brings them on before the blogs can roll in, SNL might stand a chance of returning to it’s original status as a beacon of diversity and progress. Here’s some suggestions.

1. One Of Every Ethnic Minority

This one is a given. For starters, we need a man and woman of every ethnic and religious group, and of every sexuality. A rough estimate places us at about 50 new additions to the cast, which will be fantastic because the show can then run for several hours, ensuring that everyone is represented with equal stage time. Initially it might be hard for the writers to work all of these people into sketches, but they need to remember that Saturday Night Live is about diversity first, and comedy second.

2. A Disabled Guy

This one might be a little bit tricky, but they need to find someone who is disabled. What kind of disabled, you ask? Well, that’s the fun part, you can’t tell. They just refer to him as ‘disabled’ and sometimes he’ll be in a wheelchair, or sometimes he’ll have seizures, or sometimes he’ll just shit himself. It’ll work great with SNL’s cutting-edge political humor.

3. A Dog and A Cat

One of the main things holding SNL back is that they don’t fully embrace meme culture. Anyone with half a brain knows that real humor is about gifs and memes – timeless jokes that will never get old or formulaic. If they could get both Grumpy Cat and Boo on the roster they’d see not only a huge ratings increase with the markets they’ve already penetrated, but they’d tap into a whole group of people that aren’t watching the show yet – the Reddit community and my aunt who is just now learning Facebook.

4. A Robot

Let’s face it – one of these days one of those Japanese robots you can fuck is going to wonder why their owner doesn’t introduce them to his friends. It’s not because their owner doesn’t have friends (he doesn’t). It’s because were not respecting Japanese fuckbots as individuals. Soon enough there will be an uprising, and the fuckbots will have their own culture and demand representation in the media. Are fuckbots funny though? Yes of course they are, and if you say otherwise, you’ve got a fuckbot hating problem.

5. An Adult Baby

For the unfamiliar, an adult baby is a grown man or woman who wears diapers by choice. Some call it a lifestyle, and others more accurately refer to it as a fucked up fetish for people with emotional problems. But, what’s fucked up today is tomorrow’s oppressed social class. Actually – they should just require that at least one cast member is diaped up at any given time.

7. Replace All The White Males With A Bunch Of Rats Wearing Human Costumes

I think we can all agree that white men are parasitic, awful people that are responsible for all of the world’s problems. So why even include them on the show anymore? I think it would send a strong message to all the fans on Tumblr if they were all replaced with hundreds of rats sewn into a latex body.

8. Brian From Family Guy

Everyone loves Brian. I didn’t even know Family Guy was still on the air until everyone was mad that Brian was removed from the show. The outrage was loud enough that they brought him back. But is that enough? No, Brian should be on every show. Let’s start with SNL.

9. All Those Fucked Up Clones From Alien Resurrection

Hey, they’re people too, right?

10. Like A Dolphin or Maybe A Whale?

Remember how we all used to care about sea mammals until like 1995? What happened to that? Put one on the show.

11. Someone who is good at cup stacking

I wouldn’t seek it out but it’s always entertaining when I see it.

12. All The Retired Olympic Mascots

What happened to them? They’re just rotting in the copyright office. Bring em back.