7 Reasons Phone Sex Is Better Than Real Sex

1. You Can Hookup With People Around the World

With conventional sex, close proximity is a mandatory requirement. You absolutely have to be in the same room as your partner unless advanced technology’s involved; e.g., 100 foot robot penis, a virtual sex machine, etc. So you really need to live near one another; if not in the same zip code, then at least the same city. With phone sex, on the other hand, you can call anyone anywhere and conjure up gross NSFW imagery in each others’ minds. Describe to that girl from Singapore how you’re a velociraptor with an erection, and she’s a hot time traveler with a reckless disregard for the space-time continuum. “How did you get this number,” she asks as you as you explain how new scientific evidence indicates raptors had feathers, sexy sex feathers. “What do you want from me?” she says.

2. No STDs

Another problem with physical sex is everyone, everyone, is infected with potentially lethal and/or itchy STDs. More than half of all people will contract an STD/STI at some point in their lifetimes, and 1/2 sexually active young people will get an STD by the age of 25. Everyone’s genitals are coated in an oily wet gloss of deadly viruses. But with phone sex, the only virus you might transmit is a Word Virus, which can, in some cases, be far worse due to the difficulty in repressing troubling mental images. “I’m opening up your chest cavity and making love to your guts,” he says, and now that’s in your brain, your organs as sex objects. Then, “I’m lubing up this minotaur.” “Oh, please don’t lube up the minotaur,” you say. “No, I’m lubing up this minotaur, and it’s getting SO MAD!” At least it’s ever so slightly better than herpes.

3. You Have To Be Creative

Sure, physical sex requires some creativity, but there’s really a limited range of things you can do, and the creative stuff usually requires exhausting gymnastic maneuvers. If anything, less creativity is better because your partner probably doesn’t want marshmallows and bear masks incorporated into the lovemaking. Over the phone, though, it’s essential you generate compelling erotic imagery or you’ll both get bored: “We’re on an alien planet called Zephyr, a steamy swamp planet covered in purple goop. The gravity here is .2% that of Earth, so we’re bouncing hundreds of feet in the air while we hump in the mud.” Or, “We’re two tectonic plates floating on an ocean of molten magma, and now we’re rubbing against each other, slowly, destructively, demolishing Los Angeles, burying millions under rubble.” Mmm, that’s some sexy sex right there.

4. You Don’t Have To Touch Anyone

Physical contact is disgusting enough as it is, but sex pushes it to the extreme. Human beings are dripping in sweat, snot, microscopic flora, miscellaneous effluvia, and then we’re supposed to shake hands much less rub our naked bodies against one another? Gross. No. Anathema. Definitely better to live alone in your apartment, improvising erotic descriptions into a phone while you masturbate. Physical intimacy is overrated and a crutch for the non-self-actualized. The only hands I ever want touching me are the ones loading my dead body into a furnace to be cremated.

5. Attractiveness Isn’t A Criterion

What a relief to subtract the aesthetic component from sex. You could be an obese, hydrocephalic, asymmetrical monster man, but if you have a sonorous voice like Morgan Freeman, then boom, hot sexy phone sex. How unfair to think someone can’t—or is much less likely to—have sex due to the random braiding of genetic material, phenotypes beyond his/her control. Fortunately, the criteria for quality phone sex consist of: a pleasant ASMR inducing voice and storytelling skill. That’s about it. Of course, if the caller is already known to be gross, that could be a downer for the visualization process, unless you just imagine another person’s face and bod, which is something people do all the time during regular sex anyway.

6. Babies Aren’t A Possibility

None of the standard forms of contraception—condoms, birth control, not even onanism—are 100% effective, and even that miniscule risk of condom breakage or ineffective birth control pills is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE. Babies are the nightmare scenario, soul-death, the dissolution of Self. I remember what I was like as a child, and the idea of being subjected to some version of that amoral little idiot for the rest of my life would be horrendous. Intolerable. With phone sex, one can only be pregnant with emotion. That is enough. Your sperm cannot be transmitted via telecommunication device, thank God.

7. Hygiene Is Irrelevant

If you smell like a dumpster, have a mouth coated with fungi, and are smeared with spaghetti sauce, then other people might not want to have sex with you. Not so with phone sex, as no one need see, smell, or taste your skin’s accumulated residues over the phone. You wouldn’t say, “Yeah, baby, my skin is so moist with old chicken grease right now, mmm.” You can just replace those details with sexier ones: “Yeah, baby my skin is so moist with Axe body spray, mmm.” You can even eat a panini while having phone sex, which I suppose you can do with regular sex, but it’s generally frowned upon due to crumbs, distraction, unsanitariness, chewing noises, etc. So as you hit rock bottom and your body degenerates into a hairy crusty ellipsoid, it’s nice to know phone sex is still an available option.