The Beatitudes Of Online Dating

Blessed are they who meet their husband or wife online,
    for their collection of lizards is exemplary.

Blessed are they who do not tweet about their online dates,
    for their soul is still intact.

Blessed are they who see one person at a time,
    for they believe love is possible.

Blessed are they who have been online dating for more than a year,
    for their struggle is great in every area of life.

Blessed are they who write hey, what’s up in their first message,
    for their ESPN will not watch itself.

Blessed are they who have pictures of themselves in a bathing suit,
    for they know not what they do.

Blessed are the laid-back guys who do not want any drama,
    for they will die alone.

Blessed are they who start a profile strictly to receive praise,
    for their heart has never experienced human emotions.

Blessed are they who write long first messages,
    for their time is endless.

Blessed are they who do not go out for drinks on a first date,
    for theirs is a true and terrifying vision.

Blessed are they who are not looking for anything serious right away,
    for they have covered their bases completely.

Blessed are the hat wearers,
    for theirs is a hard, bald life.

Blessed are they who take shirtless selfies in the bathroom,
    for their best times were in high school.

Blessed are they who list themselves as 5′ 10,”
    for they are 5′ 8.”

Blessed are they who do not go ghost,
    for they are not made of stone.

Blessed are the poor,
    for OkCupid is their domain.

Blessed are the meek,
    for they gravitate to ChristianMingle or maybe EHarmony.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for a relationship,
    for they will pay for Match.

Blessed are those who drink Mt. Dew,
    for they will use Plenty of Fish.

But most of all, blessed are they who detach themselves from the internet,
    because great is their reward in real life.