10 Types Of People I Will No Longer Date

Bridget Jones, who I am apparently becoming (sans the two handsome suitors), aimed to stop dating “alcoholics, workaholics, sexaholics, commitment-phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits, or perverts.” I’m going to add a few more to that list.

1. Bad kissers. This includes those who make out with portions of my face other than my mouth, drool on me, or bite my lip so hard that it bruises/bleeds (I don’t want to explain to my roommates in the morning that no, I did not get into a fight). If you’re in your 20s, there’s no excuse.

2. Guys who don’t volunteer to perform oral sex within the first few sexual encounters.

3. Guys who are bad at oral sex and don’t bother to ask for direction. Actually, even if you’re relatively competent or “your ex-girlfriend liked it,” you should still be willing to take direction. Again, if you’re in your 20s, there’s no excuse.

4. Anti-feminists. No longer will I assure them that “I’m not one of those feminists.”

5. Guys who correct my grammar as I’m speaking. There may be an argument for correcting egregious errors, but there’s no need to shame me with my dangling participle instead of listening to what I have to say. It doesn’t make you smart, it makes you an asshole.

6. Guys who openly classify “tall blondes with big tits” as a perfect class of human. Maybe they are, but it’s just rude. Along those lines, guys who post Facebook statuses about the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. The purpose of that event is to make women hate themselves, show some respect.

7. Cheaters. Never have I ever dated someone who cheated on all of his girlfriends but didn’t cheat on me.

8. Guys who insult me. This includes calling me stupid or assuring me that “there are different kinds of smart.”

9. Guys who fight dirty. If we have a disagreement, we can solve it without personal insults or threats to the relationship.

10. Anyone who asks me, even implicitly, to leave. If someone wants you, they’ll let you know—they won’t break up with you multiple times or treat you so terribly that you’re forced to break up with them.