Manifesto For A Better America: No More Dogshit

The opinion I’d like to express today is an unpopular one, but I’m confident that, in time, the love of humanity will prevail and the principles that I believe in will be shared by most of you.

Even with righteousness on my side, it can be hard to find the courage to stand alone, to lobby for progress and to fight for what I know in my heart will make the world a better place.  Thankfully I find inspiration in the historic actions of heroes such as Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King; and in the words of Gandhi, who said, “Even if you are a minority of one, the truth is the truth.”  

So with all that in mind, I’m going to put this as delicately as I possibly can:

I think it’s absolutely insane that all you guys pick up dog shit.

Like Germany in the 1930’s, religious zealotry, and the success of Kelly Clarkson albums, I firmly believe that our fetishism of dog shit is an epidemic of madness and a perfect example of what Carl Jung referred to as Collective Psychosis.

If you can leave the warmth of your bed to walk a dog and watch it defecate without gagging, then you are ill. If THEN, you can proceed to pick up the fresh steaming shit in a plastic bag and carry it for a block without vomiting all over yourself, then you are actively engaging in Fecalphilia and should seek professional help.

I feel like an alien visiting from another dimension. I thought I lived in a 1^st world country. I thought I grossly overpaid rent in order to reside in a city that exemplifies culture, sophistication and modernity. So why the hell does the sidewalk in front of my apartment smell like Middle Earth? Oh yeah, because there’s fecal matter smeared into it.

Where am I? Dakar?

Do I need a Typhoid shot to walk to Dean & DeLuca?

Future historians will take one look at the archeological evidence and conclude that we worshipped dogs. They will be BAFFLED by how such an advanced race could explore the vanguard of the cosmos AND be dog shit slaves at the same time.

This morning I heard a neighbor openly say something like “good girl” to his collie as he squatted to happily collect her shit in a flimsy plastic bag on Greenwich Ave. Good girl? For what—turning her colon inside out next to me? Am I the only one who sees this as obscene and fetishist? I mean, how am I supposed to drink my tea now?

How did the bizarre become so commonplace?

When did the lunatics get the keys to the asylum?

WHAT HAPPENED TO US?

With all humility, there IS a hierarchy within the animal kingdom, and need I remind you, ladies and gentlemen, that we are human beings! We are at the TOP 
of the food chain. We are MARVELS of creation, engineered to conquer
the earth, the sea, and the moon. That dog should be trained to pick up your shit. That’s how a pecking order works!

Were David Bowie himself to shit on the sidewalk, you’d hesitate. Yet you’ll hungrily leap to scrape up the feces of a sub-order mongrel twice a day? Where is your pride?

OK, maybe if scientists were able to breed a super ape with antlers and shark teeth, sure, I might pick up THAT THING’S shit. Like hell yeah… but a store-bought canine?

Paradoxically, I happen to love dogs. I fully admit that most days I’d rather share company with them than most people. This has absolutely nothing to do with their value as loyal companions—nor with how much joy they bring to our lives. This has everything to do with watching you pick up their hot feces with your hands, 15” from my $7 yogurt.

Do you really need a dog in the city? I know you don’t have a pasture. It’s cruel and unnatural. Perhaps if you’re living as a nomad, sleeping outside on the edge of the wild Mongolian frontier, by all means you should have a pair of hellhounds for protection—makes sense; But living on the 30^th floor of The Gansevoort? Not so much.

However, if outlawing city dogs proves too big a pill for the populace to swallow, here are a couple of solutions off the top of my head that perhaps urban planners can consider:

a. Every few blocks there can be an 8“ wide Deep Well or “defecation hole” that goes down like 2 miles.

b. Nike could design a stylish Mobile Defecation Chamber; a tent that covers you and your beast.

c. Patagonia Sportswear designs a fashionable sterilizing hammock that hangs beneath your dog’s asshole and catches the offensive matter.

Please help me break the silence on this issue and join the cause to eradicate this disturbing behavior.

I have a dream… to live in a world that is in every way like this one, except for one thing: We do not pick up dog shit.

And that will be the day when all of God’s children will be able to sing with new meaning: My country ’tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.

And if America is to be a great nation again, this must become true.