5 Things That Absolutely Have To Go Away

It’s dangerous for me to choose a subject like this, since I am one of those sad souls that has acquiesced to cynicism. I can be positive sometimes, for two or three hours, but eventually I return to course. Therefore, when creating a list of things I hate, before I know it, I am usually scribbling into my notepad like a madman, going on and on impulsively, like that divine inspiration I’m banking on might actually exist. But when I read back on it, I just see an angry, insecure schmuck. That’s probably who I am at the end of the day, but here is a toned down version of my negative nature.

I now proudly present to you: 5 Things That Absolutely Have To Go Away

1. Men Who Wear Sandals

I don’t know what it is, really, that makes some men think it’s cool to display their pale, moist and hairy feet in public. Somebody needs to get in a nice position and smack one of these clowns behind their head—I’d gladly be the one to do it if I could be pardoned on the lawsuit. I’m also a part of this writers group, and every week this one dude posts up in my face in rainbow sandals. His big toe-nail, fungus ridden, is short, black and fat and I end up looking at it every two seconds just because it’s so distracting. In short, it is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. Listen, men: your feet are not pretty! Only women’s feet are pretty! And that’s not even a given. I can’t even focus in class! This is probably why my stories aren’t improving. Screw you, Mr. Big Black Toe! (I think his name is Tim).

2. Sober People

Recently I was at this wedding with an amazing open bar. Beer, whiskey, vodka, wine, juices; the works. I was just trying to have a great time out there, so I drank to an absurd degree, given that it was my friends’ wedding, free, and the weekend. Only as I began zoning in on Blackout Hotel did I find that everybody I was talking to was dully sober. I danced like a madman at the party, while others stood quietly and watched. By the end of the party, I was pondering the idea of joining AA. Granted, I probably did go a little over the top, but isn’t that what you’re supposed to do when you’re 24?

3. Chatty Waiters

Look, man, I feel where you’re coming from. You don’t like your job much, and you think you should be famous. Welcome to the club. You try to make your job more fun by chatting it up, to demonstrate how witty or interesting you are. However, try to see it from our side. We’re two friends here trying to catch up. You are pretty much a stranger. If you want to crack one or two cool comments here and there, no problem. But you’re not a part of the meal. You do your thing and we’ll do ours. If all goes well, you will get your tip. You do not need to prove to be interesting or funny to get a tip. All I want is some ranch sauce and my food when it’s hot, not your weekly emotional trends. I know you want to be an actor, but to everything there is a season.

4. Instagram Photos of Food

Back in 2010, before food photos showed up like acne, I was a pioneer of blogging about neat food. Sushi, exotic food, pasta, all of it. I killed it. I was a legend in Los Angeles, until Instagram came and suddenly everybody became a professional foodie. I was marginalized out of the food blogging world for good, which might be a good thing. And it’s most frustrating when pretty girls do it. The other week I made the most epic Instagram photo of my life: A mother-fucking selfie with Dustin Hoffman! I got a healthy amount of likes, about 80. But then a pretty girl puts a picture of, like, a cupcake, and two or three hundred is a realistic number.

5. People That Do This Thing

It goes like this.

“Hey, can you do activity x today?”

“Oh I’d love to but can’t! I’m so so so sorry!”

Suddenly, I am glad that you can’t come. I don’t even know why I asked you, now that I think about it. Stop apologizing. I will be fine. More than fine. Your frantic apologues are an eyesore, immature, and, in a way you might not be realizing, rude. You’re acting as if your absence in my life is a terrible misfortune for me, which it’s not. Goodbye forever.