Is This How It Feels To Be Cool?

Sometimes, when I’m at home on a Friday night watching the most recent episode of Scandal that was on the night before, but that I didn’t have the time to watch because my bedtime is now 9pm, I think to myself: what would it feel like to be cool?

If I could give myself some nail art. Or—I don’t know—had the balls to streak my hair green instead of maintaining the same bland brunette look I’ve had since I grew my bangs out in 3rd grade. Ah, to be able to listen to ONE Gucci Mane song without having to Urban Dictionary every other word. I imagine all it takes is a slight lift of the hand and suddenly you’ve snapped the most flattering selfie known to man. To have made a zine!!

I’m going to be honest with you: I don’t like cats. I’ve started warming up to them, but if you asked me right now, do I like cats, yes or no? I’d tell you no. I say this only because it worries me. Will this automatically disqualify me from becoming cool? Be honest.

I don’t have any tattoos either, which means I also don’t have the requisite stick-and-poke-tattoo-my-friend-gave-me-in-9th-grade either. Will this also cause a problem?

Sometimes when I’m home on a Saturday night re-watching that same episode of Scandal or turning over in bed to a nice, big, hard…cover book, I wonder: Are some people just born with the type of self-restraint it takes to listen to a song without trying to sing or rap along? Or is that a skill one learns and hones over time? Likewise, does one merely wake up one morning wearing a septum ring? Or is this also something well thought-out and planned? My questions are endless…

One thing you certainly don’t have to tell me is that I must first lose my habit of twitching spontaneously mid-conversation if I want to be cool. And I should probably also learn how to comfortably hold up conversations as well. My question is: How? How do you propose I do this?

Do you guys have access to some sort of database or spreadsheet that I’m not privy to? I bet that’s it. A spreadsheet where you can all log your favorite restaurants and stoops, bars and obscure types of cigarettes, to then consult whenever you’re trying to plan a night out. If you guys e-mail it to me, I promise I wont share it with anyone.

But I have some other questions too. Like your eyes—they must hurt, no? With all of those street style photographers flashing their bright lights in your face? Does it suck that they can’t just let you live? And your followers…I’ve noticed you have a lot. Do you buy them? Because I heard that’s a thing. And finally, those headphones that have been around your neck for days now—is that uncomfortable? Do you apply precautionary baby powder or Vaseline on your neck? They look like they chafe.

Let me know.